Teens & Discipline
Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT
Disciplining children and teens is considered by many to be the most difficult part of parenting. Learn tips that support parents in this process.
Most parents dread disciplining their children, especially teenagers. We want our children to be successful, happy and confident. Seeing our children unhappy or disappointed is hard for most parents. Being the source of a child’s disappointment, anger or sadness by enforcing consequences can be tough for anyone. Child specialists frequently observe that disciplining a child is more difficult on the parent than the child.
Disciplining teenagers adds a complex new dimension to the task of parenting. Adolescents are transitioning into adulthood and exploring their own values, independent ideas, and social lives. While we need to encourage the development of a teen's unique talents and individuality, we must also present guidelines to continue to safeguard their well-being. Reasonable, clear rules and expectations must be established by parents to encourage safety, healthy social engagements, and good decision-making.
It is developmentally appropriate and entirely normal for teens to pursue independence and they desire separation from their parents. The transition into adulthood involves pushing limits, challenging the rules and even thrill-seeking behavior. Choices made by teens can lead to heated conflicts between parents and children; especially when a consequence must be enforced.
Below are tips that can support parents when disciplining a teenager.
1) Accept that discipline is part of your job description as a parent.
Discipline is your role and responsibility. It is not your spouses, the teachers or an older sibling’s duty. Whether you are single or married, disciplining your child is frequently uncomfortable and even painful.
2) Following through on a consequence generally results in removing a privilege.
Facing consequences is an essential part of learning about real life. When social, legal, or family rules are broken, there are consequences for each of us. Not enforcing consequences can lead to unrealistic life expectations and set your child up for social, academic or occupational failure as an adult.
3) Clarify Expectations: Define Privileges, Rules and Consequences
Parents must clearly define and discuss their expectations early in a child's life. Parents are encouraged to sit down and write out a teenager's privileges, rules, and consequences on paper-place it on the refrigerator. Teen surveys reveal that a major frustration is not knowing what the rules are or what their parents expect from them.
Expectations and rules are best put in writing: review and sign the list with your teen as a proactive step in preventing arguments about discipline. Signing the list together also keeps both parents and children accountable: when rules are broken, the guideline can be used as a reference. Adding a consequence for argumentative or rude comments made about the consequences will encourage teens to accept consequences more gracefully.
4) Explain what a privilege is and the consequences that are related to each privilege.
In a youth driven society, privileges can easily be seen as expectations. Privileges include using a cell phone, watching television, going to the movies, or making plans with friends. Examples of rules and expectations might include speaking respectfully, participating in housework, and doing homework. Consequences can include losing phone privileges or limiting social activities. Be clear about what consequence will occur if a rule is broken.
5) Keep consequences short and simple.
Consequences that are too lengthy in time or excessively harsh sets up discipline for failure. Half or full day consequences tend to be more effective than a week or month. Major offenses might include the weekend or more than one lost privilege. Emotional teens imagining a week or month sets everyone up for additional conflict and acting out. Consequences that are too lengthy in time leave teenagers with little motivation to cooperate or remain respectful during the punishment. Short time intervals for consequences allows teenagers the opportunity to demonstrate positive and cooperative behavior.
6) Have a sense of humor when disciplining.
Laugh a little and try humor when talking to your teen about consequences. Laughing at ourselves or circumstances can break tension or animosity. Humor can ease the difficulty in executing a consequence. Share a funny story of a consequence you had as a teen.
7) Wait to discipline until emotions and the situation is diffused.
Scolding or demeaning words when disciplining will be met with resentment. While teens are good at acting aloof or respond nonchalantly, remember that they are at a vulnerable age and insecure state of development. Remain calm and firm when disciplining. The result will be less push-back and less regret as a parent about harsh words spoken. Speak about the behavior, not your teenagers character. Your child still needs your reassurance that they are loved regardless of mistakes or being imperfect. Healthy disciplinary strategies can bring you closer to your child.
8) Keep your teenager’s business private.
Do not talk negatively about a teenager in front of the teen or to persons who will share what was discussed. No one likes being talked about, especially during challenging moments. Seek support selectively when you are certain your child is not around and that the information will be kept private. Sharing with your child's siblings, family friends or talking within listening distance will push your teen further away. Adolescence is a time when acceptance and the need to fit in is magnified. Bringing more attention to your teen, especially when things go wrong can lead to deep barriers in communication.
9) Be a parent, not a friend.
It can feel devastating to lose a once close connection you had when your child reaches adolescence. Parents can expect to feel shut out of a teen’s life for a short period of time. Do not allow this distance to impact good decisions about discipline. Your child will outgrow the highly emotional stage of adolescence. Keeping your child safe is a primary responsibility as a parent throughout adolescence: this often involves uncomfortable moments during discipline. Thank you’s for tough love will come later in life. No one thanks their parents for trying to be their friend as a teenager.
10) Be a good role model.
The most ineffective parenting style is having high expectations of a child while the parent does not model the behavior they want from their children. The life you live is the lesson you teach. A parent who swears at family members can expect their teenager to swear. Parents that do not keep their word can expect their teen to do the same. Teen behaviors often reflect a behavior you don’t like about yourself. Make appropriate changes to your own behavior as necessary and admit to your own character defects. Acknowledging our imperfections and apologizing gracefully models humility and valuing self-improvement.
Post Disciplinary Activity:
Expect that your teen may be angry, lash out or avoid you after receiving a consequence.
Following incidents of discipline, allow your teenager to have time for self- reflection and to talk it over when they are ready. Encourage them to discuss what is comfortable and be a supportive listener. Practice listening and asking questions without judgement or stating your opinion. Teens need safe places to speak openly: create an environment that will keep the communication lines open.
Stay hopeful and engaged in your relationship with your teenager in spite of how hard it can feel. Adolescence is a developmental stage in your child’s life. While the teen years can feel relentless and exhausting, remember, "this too shall pass”. Your teenager is developing their sense of self, confidence, and learning about independent decision making. Remain supportive and have empathy for your teen in the vulnerable years of adolescence. Children need consistent love and support no matter what age they are. Tough love is called tough love for a reason.
Tough love is hard, discipline is hard.
How to Select a Therapist We generally spend more time in choosing a new cell phone than in selecting a mental health therapist. Like cell phones or cellular plans, not all therapists are alike or offer the same services. When we are under stress or experiencing a personal or relational crisis, most of us are unable to think clearly about choices in mental health . Frequently, new patients call therapists without researching options. The importance of selecting the best therapist for you can influence the outcome of therapy. Research concludes that the relationship between the patient and therapist is the single most important factor in determining positive results in mental health. Consumer Reports published their findings which identified two critical factors : 1) the quality of the relationship with the therapist. 2) the length of time in treatment –a longer period in therapy, produced better results. Having a plan of action in selecting a therapist will save you time and money and increase the positive outcomes for therapy. Many therapists offer a free consultation on the telephone to assist in deciding whether the services they offer can meet your needs. Preparing for your search for a therapist: • Seek a list of referrals from trusted professionals such as a physician. • Plan to interview at least four or five therapists. • Make a list of questions to ask during interviews. • Write out three objectives you hope to achieve in therapy. • During the interview, notice your comfort level. Do you feel rapport? Does conversation come easily? Possible questions you might ask potential therapists: • Do you work with children, couples or adults? • What is your training and how long have you been a therapist? • Do you have experience in… (specific area)? • Wh at are your fees and the length of sessions? • How often do you recommend attending therapy? • What strategies do you use when working with patients? • How do you measure successful outcomes in treatment? Asking questions about therapy may feel uncomfortable, especially if you have not attended therapy before. While talking to several therapists or getting a referral may feel awkward, remember that you must feel comfortable to share about yourself with the therapist you select. When patients feel unable to speak openly, they are less likely to share personal details or emotions . Any therapist will be more effective when a patient is comfortable and does not feel judged. If your phone interviews lead you to a therapist with whom you do not feel comfortable, do not give up on finding treatment. Decide in advance that what you learn from each person will be valuable whether it is one meeting or many sessions. Never let one bad experience keep you from pursuing the services of another professional. Remember that you can choose who you work with and be active in the process of therapy. Stay informed and become an educated consumer when seeking the support of a therapist. A therapist's job is to assist you; your job is to be willing to receive guidance and make intentional efforts to create the changes you are seeking.
Holidays and family gatherings can be an opportunity to spend quality time with family, appreciate our blessings and celebrate life. Family get-togethers can also aggravate stress, anxiety and create conflict. While we may be grateful to have time with loved ones, we may experience feelings of grief, regret, or resentments from old wounds. Challenging relationships or personal circumstances, traveling, and financial concerns can also trigger emotions that make celebrations feel like negative obligations. To minimize distress, we can choose to control our thoughts and emotions about family engagements through simple actions. While emotions and thoughts are frequently instantaneous reactions to perceptions of a situation, it is a choice how long we allow ourselves to experience these challenging feelings. Next holiday season or family get-together, commit to practicing these strategies to create an atmosphere of connectedness and joy. 1. Be mindful of and in control of your emotions . Acknowledge your feelings but choose not to ruminate on negative emotions. Envision your mind as a radio station. If you find yourself focused on negative thoughts, change the station. Practice shifting your thoughts to positive memories or refocus your attention to something pleasant. Changing your thoughts can be as simple as changing a radio channel to a better station. 2. Be an observer. Be an observer in the room at family events. Observe communication, social interactions or family dynamics. By observing others from a bird's eye perspective, we place ourselves in a learning mode rather than a reactive role. Observing stressful environments helps us realize that we are not forced to feel or react in any preset manner. Shakespeare stated "All the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players with exits and entrances". Choose your role as an observer and enjoy being in the audience. 3. Learn to step away and breathe. Research proves that controlled breathing changes the physical and emotional state of the body. Take a moment to yourself and breathe deeply for five to ten minutes. Listen to relaxing music or close your eyes for a short period. Give your mind a moment to recharge so being present and relaxed is easier. 4. Focus on the positive. Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in negativity or other’s emotions and actions. Try observing what is good and joyful in the room. We are responsible for our own happiness. 5. Practice the art of forgiveness. Holding onto to past hurts negatively impacts us mentally and physically. Learn to forgive or accept others as they are. Acceptance of others allows us the freedom to be who we are. Resentments and anger contributes to poor health and denies us of the opportunity to experience joy. Forgiving others helps us forgive ourselves for our own imperfections. 6. Embrace generosity. The act of giving is a highly effective tool in changing our mood. Generosity is not primarily about monetary exchanges. Seek ways to be helpful and kind in your actions when at family gatherings. Offer to help with tasks or keeping an eye on the kids. It is possible you may find joy in the preparations or playing with the children. Ask others about their lives, be interested in sharing stories or offer to pick up a forgotten item to grab a quick break. Learn that small acts of kindness allow us to experience the joy of giving. 7. Be a teacher. "The life you live is the lesson you teach". Consider that you are modeling to others how to interact gracefully in social environments. Whether you have small children, or elderly parents, it is never too late to become the model citizen in the room. Remember, it’s not how you come in, it’s how you go out… Choosing actions that support positive, healthy thoughts around family gatherings, make us less likely to be reactive, use substances, or behave in manners we regret. 8. Choose to create new memories. Once we can step out of the past, we can free ourselves to have experiences that create memories of joy. Remember that others in the family may feel anxious as well and will benefit from improvements in family interactions. Be the change you want to see. There is never a wrong time to make better choices or commit to leading the pack in a positive direction. Today is a great day to learn to enjoy family in a different light.
In the last decade there has been a growing interest in what makes people happy. In addition to ample books on happiness, there are now happiness groups, seminars and even “Happiness Clinics” that individuals attend. While each book or clinic has a different spin on the pursuit of happiness, the research findings about what makes people happy are generally the same. This is what the happiest people say they do: 1. Surround Themselves with Positive, Encouraging People - “Ask me who I am and I’ll show you my friends.” If you are hanging out with cheerful, positive people, the odds are you will be more content. If you are surrounded by negativity, it is likely to rub off on you. Observe your social groups and listen to the messages your social network is conveying. Are the conversations upbeat and grateful or are the discussions full of judgement and resentments? 2. Practice Gratitude- There are good days and bad days, but happy people tend to focus on what they have rather than what they don’t have. Happy people find the good in mishaps, viewing them as opportunities for learning- turning lemons into lemonade. They know how to be present and in the moment. They tend to appreciate what is around them whether it is family, nature or just a good cup of coffee. Happy people appreciate what is good about their lives, even in tough times. 3. Focus on Health- Individuals who reported feeling most content focus on eating well, exercising regularly, and getting adequate rest. Overall, they prioritize taking good care of their physical, emotional and mental health. 4. Maintain strong family and community connections- While not everyone is able to live close to their relatives or has a perfect marriage, the happiest individuals still find ways to prioritize their relationships with friends, family, and in their community. They tend to stay connected to family and friends and consider spending time with loved ones a priority. 5. Focus less on accumulation of wealth or material goods- Surprisingly research indicates that happiness has little to do with economic status. Of course, living in poverty or bankruptcy is stressful: however, those with the most “goods” tend to be less happy than individuals living a more modest lifestyle. 6. Give back to the community- The happiest individuals report being active in volunteer work, helping others, and are invested in their community and youth. Helping others feels good, gets us out of our own lives, and enhances self-esteem. 7. Have a strong spiritual life- Having an active spiritual life is different than having religious affiliations. While many of the happiest persons report being active in religious organizations, what is more important to one’s happiness is having a spiritual connection to a power greater than oneself. Equally important is committing time daily toward meditation and/or prayer. 8. Practice Love and Tolerance- In general, the happiest people tend to be tolerant, less judgmental and tend to trust or have faith in others. They focus on what is positive and good about individuals rather than flaws or differences. Learning to love others, even those who have hurt us is a big step for many. Being released from anger or resentments in forgiveness is a powerful way to experience new sense of freedom. 9. Keep a positive outlook on life- They see the glass half full. They hope for and anticipate positive outcomes. Given what we know about the power of thoughts, the happiest people are more likely to experience positive outcomes they are predicting. 10. Remain Action Oriented and Solution Focused- It is not that happy people do not feel disappointed or sad, they just know how to pick themselves up and keep moving forward in a hopeful, constructive manner. They focus on solutions to problems and act on the solutions. They continue to pursue what brings happiness by accepting that life is full of joyous moments as well as disappointments. 11. Prioritize activities that bring joy- While most people have busy schedules: the happiest folks that make certain to schedule joyful activities in their daily routines. Whether it is running, gardening, yoga or coffee dates, they make time for what produces joy. 12. Choose simplicity- If you haven’t begun to declutter your environment or your mind to decrease stress, this is the time to do it. Research indicates that the happiest individuals live simpler, less complicated lives. Living simply, with less obligations or things to maintain leaves time to do the things you enjoy. Tips for Practicing Happiness Every Day Identify areas that contribute to your happiness. Pinpoint areas of joy that can be expanded. Commit to 30 days of changing routines or thoughts related to happiness. Record your progress and observations. Accept that changing our thoughts and actions requires time and effort. Stay committed in spite of road bumps. Remain hopeful, stay solution-focused and optimistic about your outcomes. Remember that our efforts do not provide instantaneous results: our cumulative daily efforts will lead to a more joyful and happy life. Today is a great day to practice happiness.M.Brauns
