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Chronic Stress and Anxiety

Sun, 21 Mar 2021 02:09:15 GMT

How does chronic anxiety impact you? Is anxiety taking days and years from your life?

Anxiety is often the underlying cause of physical symptoms mistaken for other health conditions. We frequently believe we have a serious medical condition long before we recognize we have anxiety, or even consider an anxiety disorder. It is not uncommon for clients, specifically adults, to deny having anxiety but readily admit to worrying constantly.

A recent study from the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety disorder. This report should be of no surprise: we live in a culture where chronic stress is an accepted part of daily life. At early ages, we are indoctrinated with suggestive messages that busy is healthy, we must perform faster, accomplish more, and demonstrate success by perfection-based ideology.

Having been conditioned to believe that more is better, we frequently add too many things to our plates. We have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no. Many believe they thrive when busy and even express a sense of pride when discussing a relentless schedule. The inevitable outcome of a life packed full with every minute accounted for, is overwhelm, burnout, and chronic anxiety.

In my experience, clients easily express a desire to feel less overwhelmed and have more leisure time. However, when asked to let go of unnecessary commitments, there is resistance. Inevitably, after living with chronic stress for long periods of time, the norm may be feeling anxious. A change that creates open time and space, can create a " time void " that is uncomfortable. In fact, letting go of anxiety or stressors can actually be anxiety- provoking.

To combat chronic anxiety, clients must commit to reducing stress, as opposed to “managing stress”.

Stress in life is unavoidable and it is true that some individuals have less stressful lives due to advantageous personal circumstances. Regardless, of our circumstances, it remains common to accept unmanageable workloads, entertain stressful relationships and continue adding activities to full schedules. For change to occur, we must let go of habits that leave us mentally and physically depleted. You can choose to fill the "time void" with self-care which may include rest.

Americans have learned to accept chronic anxiety as a way of life, even knowing of the negative implications on our health and relationships. Health experts have concluded that chronic stress reduces our life span by an average of 6 years.

The goal in my office is stress reduction. If your life feels overwhelming and unmanageable, you must make choices to change it. Trying to manage the unmanageable is a losing battle.

Pay attention to how often you hear or use the term stress management. Identify activities you don't need to do such as attending a social function where you know few people or cleaning an already tidy house. Learn to put your health first by prioritizing time for rest and recharging. The elimination of unnecessary stressors and reduction of chronic anxiety will increase your lifespan and improve the quality of your life.

The number of stressors you have is generally a choice. How you respond to stressful events is also a choice. Learn how to eliminate stress and reduce anxiety. You can respond to life in ways that create opportunities for living the life you want.

Benefits of Journaling

Sat, 20 Mar 2021 20:44:22 GMT

Benefits of Journaling

Journaling has regained popularity in recent years in mental health. It has once again become a tool for a variety of mental health conditions including anxiety, depression and reducing stress. Whether you are in therapy or on a path of self-discovery, writing your thoughts and experience is is valuable. Research has proven that strategic, committed journaling can actually change the way one thinks, feels and behaves. Studies reveal that individuals who commit to 30 days of writing daily in a gratitude journal, report significant improvement in their positive outlook on life. An additional benefit is that success in journaling is not impacted by financial circumstances, education, age, or writing skills. Journaling only requires a desire and commitment to the process.
While there are technically no wrong or right ways to journal, there are strategies to help get you motivated to begin. Ask yourself about the value you see in journaling and if you can to commit to the process. Discuss lack of motivation or resistance with your therapist or someone who successfully journals. Try following general guidelines to help get you started or research journaling prompts.

Tips for Journaling:

Buy or find a journal you’d like to use. Keep it in a secure but accessible place.
Commit to writing every day for 30 days. Keep going if you enjoy it!
Set a consistent time aside each day for journaling. It doesn’t need to take 1 hour; start with a 5-minute commitment.
Once you begin writing, keep your momentum going. Write anything that comes to mind…
Write honestly. While journaling is a creative form of writing, in order to gain self-awareness, it is not intended to be fictional.
Accept that journaling is not about using correct grammar or perfect writing skills. Allow yourself to be spontaneous.
Be confident that no one is going to read your journal. (If you believe there are boundary issues in your home, learn how to set boundaries. Keep your journal at work or in a locker at school if you must.)
If you feel blocked in writing, use prompts from journaling books or websites.
Try gratitude journaling, or focus on journaling about something of interest to you. (i.e. parenting, relationships, childhood memories).
Do not critique or judge your own writing. The key is honesty and spontaneity.
Make sure you are not censoring your writing. Ask yourself if you are writing what you think should do or feel or if it is what you really feel, what really happened or what you wish happened?
Look forward to the self-discovery in your writing. Even facing hard truths leads to a more peaceful way of living.
Do not be stingy with yourself about journals if possible. Buy a cover you enjoy and replace journals frequently. When you are ready to start a new journal, do it. Some people ceremoniously burn or destroy journals when complete.
Develop your own traditions with journaling. Have fun with it and enjoy the process.
Just get started. The longer you journal, the sooner you will develop a routine and style that works for you.

Allow yourself to discover your truth through journaling. It is an excellent tool in the process of self-awareness and change. Self-awareness can help you understand your emotions and behaviors and can create opportunities for change. Journaling is easy, inexpensive, and well worth the effort.

Today is a great day to begin journaling.

Forgiveness

Fri, 19 Mar 2021 18:30:37 GMT

Apologies and Forgiveness-A Necessary Skillset for Relationships

Relationships suffer with unresolved conflict. Even strong relationships become vulnerable when problems occur and no resolution is in sight. Unresolved conflict that becomes circular, hostile and resentful can chip away at the foundation of any relationship.

Learning the art of apologizing and forgiveness is critical in relationships. We all have days when we are not our best self and we make mistakes or poor choices. "To error is to be human". When our words, decisions, or mistakes hurt others, intentionally or not, we must learn to apologize.

Resolving conflict with grace brings us closer together:

unresolved conflict can break down any relationship.

Apologizing can be difficult; it is natural to feel justified in action or not want to accept responsibility for mistakes. Barriers to apologizing include disagreement about the problem, or the fear of admitting we are wrong. Feeling vulnerable when we apologize is common. It is most important to understand that we can increase intimacy and strengthen our relationships by learning to apologize.

Apologizing can be this simple:
1) State with sincerity that you are sorry

2) Identify what you can do better

3) State your intention to respond differently in the future.

4) Be willing to listen to feedback without defending your actions.

5) Accept that forgiveness may take a little time.

Forgiveness is Underrated

While apologizing can be hard, forgiving others when we feel wronged can be even more difficult. Once you have received a sincere apology, it is a choice how to proceed. Forgive the offense or harbor resentment? Choose to trust the sincerity or make exit plans? Holding onto resentments or past events will eventually lead to the unraveling of relationships. Practice forgiving even when it is difficult.

Forgiving can leave us feeling vulnerable: we are fearful

that we may be hurt again.

Learn the skills to apologize and the skills to forgive. Forgiveness of others is a true statement of love. In forgiveness we are saying, I love and value you even though we are both imperfect. When we forgive others, we are able to free ourselves of anger and negativity that hurts us. We are also able to reopen the door to communication and intimacy in our important relationships.

“Forgiveness is the truest form of love. It takes a strong person to apologize and even a stronger person to forgive."

Today is a great day to learn how to apologize and how to forgive.

How to Select a Therapist

Thu, 18 Mar 2021 07:00:00 GMT

Choose Carefully

How to Select a Therapist

We generally spend more time in choosing a new cell phone than in selecting a mental health therapist. Like cell phones or cellular plans, not all therapists are alike or offer the same services. When we are under stress or experiencing a personal or relational crisis, most of us are unable to think clearly about choices in mental health . Frequently, new patients call therapists without researching options.

The importance of selecting the best therapist for you can influence the outcome of therapy.

Research concludes that the relationship between the patient and therapist is the single most important factor in determining positive results in mental health. Consumer Reports published their findings which identified two critical factors :

1) the quality of the relationship with the therapist.

2) the length of time in treatment –a longer period in therapy, produced better results.

Having a plan of action in selecting a therapist will save you time and money and increase the positive outcomes for therapy. Many therapists offer a free consultation on the telephone to assist in deciding whether the services they offer can meet your needs.

Preparing for your search for a therapist:

• Seek a list of referrals from trusted professionals such as a physician.

• Plan to interview at least four or five therapists.

• Make a list of questions to ask during interviews.

• Write out three objectives you hope to achieve in therapy.

• During the interview, notice your comfort level. Do you feel rapport? Does conversation come easily?

Possible questions you might ask potential therapists:

• Do you work with children, couples or adults?

• What is your training and how long have you been a therapist?

• Do you have experience in… (specific area)?

• Wh at are your fees and the length of sessions?

• How often do you recommend attending therapy?

• What strategies do you use when working with patients?

• How do you measure successful outcomes in treatment?

Asking questions about therapy may feel uncomfortable, especially if you have not attended therapy before. While talking to several therapists or getting a referral may feel awkward, remember that you must feel comfortable to share about yourself with the therapist you select. When patients feel unable to speak openly, they are less likely to share personal details or emotions . Any therapist will be more effective when a patient is comfortable and does not feel judged.

If your phone interviews lead you to a therapist with whom you do not feel comfortable, do not give up on finding treatment. Decide in advance that what you learn from each person will be valuable whether it is one meeting or many sessions. Never let one bad experience keep you from pursuing the services of another professional. Remember that you can choose who you work with and be active in the process of therapy.

Stay informed and become an educated consumer when seeking the support of a therapist. A therapist's job is to assist you; your job is to be willing to receive guidance and make intentional efforts to create the changes you are seeking.

Perfectionism and Motivation

Wed, 10 Mar 2021 19:18:45 GMT

Is Perfectionism Impacting Your Motivation?
Getting it Wrong to Get it Right-Do we really learn more from our mistakes?

Perfectionism is linked to anxiety and physical health conditions. Striving for perfection can lead to procrastination, low self-esteem, loss of motivation and impact our relationships. Knowing perfectionism is bad for our health and relationships, why do we still strive for perfection? There is no easy or perfect answer…

To begin, it is important to recognize that American culture and social media continue to play a role in the idealization of perfectionism. In general, educators measure success by accuracy more frequently than effort. Supervisors push for increased productivity rather than creativity. Teenagers still hope for acceptance by conforming to social trends rather than individuality. Even with the notion of individualism trending, conformity still remains a powerful force in our society.

Perfectionism can originate from our individual personality and genetic make-up. We may also be impacted and develop traits from early parenting. Often, we praise children for “getting it right” rather than the effort that was made. Worse, children may be ignored or even shamed for “getting in wrong”.

Perfectionists are frequently procrastinators, paralyzed to move forward without a perfect strategy or laid out plan of action. Unable to take risks or try new things, the perfectionist is not likely to achieve their full potential. Rather than seeing failed attempts as an opportunity for learning, perfectionists see failure as a time to quit or give up.

Perfectionism is associated with chronic stress and anxiety, lack of motivation and confidence, and adversely affects physical health. Perfectionists have increased risk for mental and physical health complications: a recent study revealed that perfectionists increased their risk of death by 51%.

The irony -countless research studies reveal that those who take risks and learn from mistakes are destined to learn more, retain more and perform better at all levels than the perfectionist! So, the perfectionist who is striving to be the best, with the highest standards for self, is the least likely to achieve the best results!

Willingness to tolerate failed attempts, realistic expectations and redefining our view of success
can increase our likelihood of achieving our potential.

University driven experiments conducted with student participants focused on Learning, Memory and Cognition revealed interesting conclusions about how we learn. Research concluded that learning increases if conditions are designed for students to make errors. Students were ten percent more likely to remember information, or perform higher tests if conditions for testing were arranged to be more difficult on the first exam. On the contrary, students given optimal study conditions who performed well on the first exam, scored significantly lower on the second try.

The old saying, “we learn the most from our mistakes” is not just a feel better statement.

Learning to embrace the importance of failure or making mistakes is not an easy task. Try these tasks to get started:

1) Be aware of a tendency toward perfectionism.

2) Take a personal inventory on how perfectionism has impacted your life, health or choices.

3) Understand that anything learned can be unlearned: you have the power to retrain your thought patterns.

4) Practice taking risks in areas you are probable to make a mistake.

5) Embrace the gift of imperfection: success is achieved by experiencing failure.

Learn to accept getting it wrong to get it right.

Today is a great day to accept being Perfectly Imperfect.

Enjoy Family Gatherings with 8 Strategies

Tue, 09 Mar 2021 20:22:18 GMT

Learn to enjoy Family Gatherings.

Holidays and family gatherings can be an opportunity to spend quality time with family, appreciate our blessings and celebrate life. Family get-togethers can also aggravate stress, anxiety and create conflict. While we may be grateful to have time with loved ones, we may experience feelings of grief, regret, or resentments from old wounds. Challenging relationships or personal circumstances, traveling, and financial concerns can also trigger emotions that make celebrations feel like negative obligations.

To minimize distress, we can choose to control our thoughts and emotions about family engagements through simple actions. While emotions and thoughts are frequently instantaneous reactions to perceptions of a situation, it is a choice how long we allow ourselves to experience these challenging feelings.

Next holiday season or family get-together, commit to practicing these strategies to create an atmosphere of connectedness and joy.

1. Be mindful of and in control of your emotions .

Acknowledge your feelings but choose not to ruminate on negative emotions. Envision your mind as a radio station. If you find yourself focused on negative thoughts, change the station. Practice shifting your thoughts to positive memories or refocus your attention to something pleasant.

Changing your thoughts can be as simple as changing a radio channel to a better station.

2. Be an observer.

Be an observer in the room at family events. Observe communication, social interactions or family dynamics. By observing others from a bird's eye perspective, we place ourselves in a learning mode rather than a reactive role. Observing stressful environments helps us realize that we are not forced to feel or react in any preset manner. Shakespeare stated "All the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players with exits and entrances". Choose your role as an observer and enjoy being in the audience.

3. Learn to step away and breathe.

Research proves that controlled breathing changes the physical and emotional state of the body. Take a moment to yourself and breathe deeply for five to ten minutes. Listen to relaxing music or close your eyes for a short period. Give your mind a moment to recharge so being present and relaxed is easier.

4. Focus on the positive.

Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in negativity or other’s emotions and actions. Try observing what is good and joyful in the room. We are responsible for our own happiness.

5. Practice the art of forgiveness.

Holding onto to past hurts negatively impacts us mentally and physically. Learn to forgive or accept others as they are. Acceptance of others allows us the freedom to be who we are. Resentments and anger contributes to poor health and denies us of the opportunity to experience joy. Forgiving others helps us forgive ourselves for our own imperfections.

6. Embrace generosity.

The act of giving is a highly effective tool in changing our mood. Generosity is not primarily about monetary exchanges. Seek ways to be helpful and kind in your actions when at family gatherings. Offer to help with tasks or keeping an eye on the kids. It is possible you may find joy in the preparations or playing with the children. Ask others about their lives, be interested in sharing stories or offer to pick up a forgotten item to grab a quick break.

Learn that small acts of kindness allow us to experience the joy of giving.

7. Be a teacher.

"The life you live is the lesson you teach". Consider that you are modeling to others how to interact gracefully in social environments. Whether you have small children, or elderly parents, it is never too late to become the model citizen in the room. Remember, it’s not how you come in, it’s how you go out…

Choosing actions that support positive, healthy thoughts around family gatherings, make us less likely to be reactive, use substances, or behave in manners we regret.

8. Choose to create new memories.
Once we can step out of the past, we can free ourselves to have experiences that create memories of joy. Remember that others in the family may feel anxious as well and will benefit from improvements in family interactions. Be the change you want to see. There is never a wrong time to make better choices or commit to leading the pack in a positive direction.

Today is a great day to learn to enjoy family in a different light.

Boundaries

Fri, 26 Feb 2021 01:26:11 GMT

Why are boundaries so difficult in relationships? Practice these strategies to build healthier relationships with strong boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. Boundaries are necessary to preserve our individual sense of self and self-esteem. People-pleasers will often agree to ideas and commitments they later regret, or experience feeling hurt and resentful. Stronger personalities may overstep boundaries in an effort to connect or be helpful. Others, may simply want to have things their own way, most of the time.

“A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends”

When it comes to boundaries and relationships, whatever your personality or communication style is, it is important to understand that boundaries feel different to everyone.

To maintain healthy relationships, you must prioritize setting and respecting the boundaries of others: it will determine the quality of your relationships.

Understanding and Setting Boundaries: Key Points

• Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Setting healthy boundaries demonstrates a commitment to the relationship.

• Know your boundaries and respect those of others .

Healthy relationships require respecting other’s ideas, time and space.

• Healthy boundaries include understanding and accepting what is your business and what is not.

Issues, emotions and circumstances that are not your own are not your business generally: they are outside of your hula-hoop. Being unconditionally supportive or the persistent “need to help” others, can actually be detrimental; it interferes with the development of self-reliance.

• Practice saying No: Do not commit or make agreements under pressure. When we put our needs aside, we create our own problems. A polite No, is more thoughtful than a resentful agreement.

• Conversations about boundaries strengthen relationships . It is our responsibility to communicate our needs and feelings about emotional and physical needs.

• Healthy boundaries are a two-way street . If you are outspoken, encourage others to make decisions and share their thoughts. If you agree with others more than you speak your truth, learn ways to build confidence about communicating your ideas and thoughts. Both parties in any relationship lose when one person is dominating or if the other maintains the need for “everyone to be happy”.

• Share your knowledge about boundaries with others (you are whether you know it). Disclosing efforts at personal-growth encourages growth in others. If you are parents, your children are learning about boundaries from watching your interactions in relationships. Model what it looks like to set and respect boundaries.

• Write out a vision of an ideal list for your personal boundaries . Share this list with important people in your life. Encourage others close to you to do the same.

Today is a great day to establish healthy boundaries in relationships.

Am I Depressed?

Thu, 25 Feb 2021 17:27:57 GMT

Important considerations about depression.

Clinical depression, like any health condition, will manifest itself differently in every individual. Symptoms, duration, intensity and experience of a depressive episode is unique to each person. Appropriate and effective treatment for sufferers of depression will vary. It is normal to question or feel worried about how long we will be depressed. Many wonder "will I ever feel normal again". Other thoughts include, “I don’t feel like myself” or “I’m afraid I will never be myself again”.

Depressive episodes and symptoms can be frightening.

Symptoms may include fatigue, reduced motivation, detachment, lack of joy and hopelessness. These feelings exacerbate fears about our future and recovery. Many report feeling that a “dark cloud” is lingering or experience feeling detached from work and loved ones. Others feel unable to experience pleasure from activities that were previously enjoyable. Each of these aspects of depression can create a block to believing that life or one's emotional state will return to what we once knew.

Further exacerbating worries about recovering from depression include a misconception that depression is a choice or a state of mind. While moods, or reactions to emotions can be manipulated by thoughts or controlled responses, clinical depression is a health condition that impacts individuals both physically and mentally. While mental health conditions do affect the mind and thinking process, this does not suggest that diagnosable mental health conditions are elected or influenced by one’s will power.

Misconceptions about depression and other mental health conditions can exacerbate symptoms, leaving one feeling that if they were stronger or had more self-control, they would not be depressed.

It is important to understand that clinical depression is a health condition: it can be as disabling as any other health condition, even life-threatening. Further, clinical depression is a physical health condition as much as it is a mental health condition. Physical symptoms of depression include fatigue, joint pain, loss of appetite or insomnia. Equally as real and disabling are the mental symptoms including deep sadness, irritability, disorganized thinking or hopelessness.

Symptoms of clinical depression include the following:

reduced interest in activities that are normally pleasurable
insomnia or increased need for sleep
lack of appetite or an increased need to eat, leading to either weight loss or gain
restlessness, irritability, or lack of energy and fatigue
trouble concentrating and attending to usual tasks
poor self-image
suicidal thoughts

It is helpful to understand that recovering from depression is similar to recovering from any other health condition.

Imagine that you are recovering from a knee surgery or pneumonia: would the expectation about work productivity or participating at home be the same? Could you accept a doctor's or therapist's response that recovery time will vary and agree not to rush back into stressful routines?

With mental health conditions, we tend to judge ourselves for negative feelings or not coping better. Further confusing, loved ones often try to help with statements such as “cheer up” or “what do you have to be depressed about…? You have a good life”. While these statements may be intended to be helpful, they frequently have the opposite impact. Remarks such as these can reinforce that the depression is a choice or elected mood. Patience and simple supportive statements such as “I’m sorry you are feeling so badly,” or” let me know if there is anything I can do to help” are more helpful.

The best path to recover from episodes of depression include medical and social support, rest, healthy diet, adequate sleep, and minimizing stress; when you are ready, slowly add activities back into your life. These recommendations are similar to many comprehensive suggestions for recovering from other health conditions such as the flu, surgery, or traumatic life events.

Nearly every individual experiences at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime.

Understanding and having empathy for yourself or others during times of vulnerability is essential to recovery. With ample information about depression and treatment available, seeking help from supportive family members and professionals can assist in the recovery process. With rest, treatment and support many patients committed to recovery find themselves feeling better in six weeks to three months. However, depending on your diagnosis, individual circumstances, and the type or severity of your depression, your recovery time will vary.

If you or a family member is suffering from clinical depression, it is important that you seek medical help .

You can expect a physician or mental health professional to be supportive and provide you with valuable information. While depression can be situational and improve independently of outside support, it is critical to seek help when there is interference with one's daily life, thought patterns, or functionality. Clinical depression can be life threatening. Untreated, depression can contribute to additional health conditions related to neglected self-care or substance abuse.

Be proactive and persistent when seeking support for clinical depression.
Rarely one regrets asking for help; delaying or not seeking needed mental health treatment is the regret.

Today, accept the help you need with mental health conditions and allow yourself adequate time to recover.

Teens & Discipline

Wed, 24 Feb 2021 21:35:45 GMT

Disciplining children and teens is considered by many to be the most difficult part of parenting. Learn tips that support parents in this process.

Most parents dread disciplining their children, especially teenagers. We want our children to be successful, happy and confident. Seeing our children unhappy or disappointed is hard for most parents. Being the source of a child’s disappointment, anger or sadness by enforcing consequences can be tough for anyone. Child specialists frequently observe that disciplining a child is more difficult on the parent than the child.

Disciplining teenagers adds a complex new dimension to the task of parenting. Adolescents are transitioning into adulthood and exploring their own values, independent ideas, and social lives. While we need to encourage the development of a teen's unique talents and individuality, we must also present guidelines to continue to safeguard their well-being. Reasonable, clear rules and expectations must be established by parents to encourage safety, healthy social engagements, and good decision-making.

It is developmentally appropriate and entirely normal for teens to pursue independence and they desire separation from their parents. The transition into adulthood involves pushing limits, challenging the rules and even thrill-seeking behavior. Choices made by teens can lead to heated conflicts between parents and children; especially when a consequence must be enforced.

Below are tips that can support parents when disciplining a teenager.

1) Accept that discipline is part of your job description as a parent.

Discipline is your role and responsibility. It is not your spouses, the teachers or an older sibling’s duty. Whether you are single or married, disciplining your child is frequently uncomfortable and even painful.

2) Following through on a consequence generally results in removing a privilege .

Facing consequences is an essential part of learning about real life. When social, legal, or family rules are broken, there are consequences for each of us. Not enforcing consequences can lead to unrealistic life expectations and set your child up for social, academic or occupational failure as an adult.

3) Clarify Expectations: Define Privileges, Rules and Consequences

Parents must clearly define and discuss their expectations early in a child's life. Parents are encouraged to sit down and write out a teenager's privileges, rules, and consequences on paper-place it on the refrigerator. Teen surveys reveal that a major frustration is not knowing what the rules are or what their parents expect from them.

Expectations and rules are best put in writing: review and sign the list with your teen as a proactive step in preventing arguments about discipline. Signing the list together also keeps both parents and children accountable: when rules are broken, the guideline can be used as a reference. Adding a consequence for argumentative or rude comments made about the consequences will encourage teens to accept consequences more gracefully.

4) Explain what a privilege is and the consequences that are related to each privilege.

In a youth driven society, privileges can easily be seen as expectations. Privileges include using a cell phone, watching television, going to the movies, or making plans with friends. Examples of rules and expectations might include speaking respectfully, participating in housework, and doing homework. Consequences can include losing phone privileges or limiting social activities. Be clear about what consequence will occur if a rule is broken.

5) Keep consequences short and simple.

Consequences that are too lengthy in time or excessively harsh sets up discipline for failure. Half or full day consequences tend to be more effective than a week or month. Major offenses might include the weekend or more than one lost privilege. Emotional teens imagining a week or month sets everyone up for additional conflict and acting out. Consequences that are too lengthy in time leave teenagers with little motivation to cooperate or remain respectful during the punishment. Short time intervals for consequences allows teenagers the opportunity to demonstrate positive and cooperative behavior.

6) Have a sense of humor when disciplining.

Laugh a little and try humor when talking to your teen about consequences. Laughing at ourselves or circumstances can break tension or animosity. Humor can ease the difficulty in executing a consequence. Share a funny story of a consequence you had as a teen.

7) Wait to discipline until emotions and the situation is diffused.

Scolding or demeaning words when disciplining will be met with resentment. While teens are good at acting aloof or respond nonchalantly, remember that they are at a vulnerable age and insecure state of development. Remain calm and firm when disciplining. The result will be less push-back and less regret as a parent about harsh words spoken. Speak about the behavior, not your teenagers character. Your child still needs your reassurance that they are loved regardless of mistakes or being imperfect. Healthy disciplinary strategies can bring you closer to your child.

8) Keep your teenager’s business private.

Do not talk negatively about a teenager in front of the teen or to persons who will share what was discussed. No one likes being talked about, especially during challenging moments. Seek support selectively when you are certain your child is not around and that the information will be kept private. Sharing with your child's siblings, family friends or talking within listening distance will push your teen further away. Adolescence is a time when acceptance and the need to fit in is magnified. Bringing more attention to your teen, especially when things go wrong can lead to deep barriers in communication.

9) Be a parent, not a friend.

It can feel devastating to lose a once close connection you had when your child reaches adolescence. Parents can expect to feel shut out of a teen’s life for a short period of time. Do not allow this distance to impact good decisions about discipline. Your child will outgrow the highly emotional stage of adolescence. Keeping your child safe is a primary responsibility as a parent throughout adolescence: this often involves uncomfortable moments during discipline. Thank you’s for tough love will come later in life. No one thanks their parents for trying to be their friend as a teenager.

10) Be a good role model.

The most ineffective parenting style is having high expectations of a child while the parent does not model the behavior they want from their children. The life you live is the lesson you teach. A parent who swears at family members can expect their teenager to swear. Parents that do not keep their word can expect their teen to do the same. Teen behaviors often reflect a behavior you don’t like about yourself. Make appropriate changes to your own behavior as necessary and admit to your own character defects. Acknowledging our imperfections and apologizing gracefully models humility and valuing self-improvement.

Post Disciplinary Activity:

Expect that your teen may be angry, lash out or avoid you after receiving a consequence.

Following incidents of discipline, allow your teenager to have time for self- reflection and to talk it over when they are ready. Encourage them to discuss what is comfortable and be a supportive listener. Practice listening and asking questions without judgement or stating your opinion. Teens need safe places to speak openly: create an environment that will keep the communication lines open.

Stay hopeful and engaged in your relationship with your teenager in spite of how hard it can feel. Adolescence is a developmental stage in your child’s life. While the teen years can feel relentless and exhausting, remember, "this too shall pass”. Your teenager is developing their sense of self, confidence, and learning about independent decision making. Remain supportive and have empathy for your teen in the vulnerable years of adolescence. Children need consistent love and support no matter what age they are. Tough love is called tough love for a reason.

Tough love is hard, discipline is hard.

Must Know Communication Strategies

Wed, 24 Feb 2021 21:12:53 GMT

Strategies to improve communication in your relationships.

Couples and families frequently seek support from family therapists when there is a breakdown in communication in a relationship. Therapists can provide suggestions and guidelines to encourage effective communication. If you are in a relationship, or struggle with communicating, you are not alone. Difficulty communicating or feeling understood is one of the most common reasons individuals and couples seek support.

Begin practicing these communication strategies today.

• Be present when communicating.

Avoid multi-tasking during discussions. Put the phone down and discontinue other activities. Being fully present, with eye contact demonstrates that you are genuinely interested in a person or conversation.

• Timing is everything.

Schedule time for important conversations that works for each person. Have important conversations at opportune moments, when each party is fully engaged. Communicating when emotional or during work hours can be a set up for miscommunication.

• Practice Active Listening.

Eye contact, asking questions, and seeking clarification all demonstrate that you are actively listening.

• Be a Non-Reactive Listener.

Before reacting, ask for clarification. Statements are frequently heard incorrectly or misunderstood. Listen without judging or becoming emotional to better understand what is being communicated.

• Assume the best.

Give others the benefit of the doubt. We are less likely to respond defensively when we assume others have good intentions in their communications.

• Respectfully listen to individual opinions and viewpoints.

Healthy relationships require valuing other’s individuality and independent thoughts-even when different. (read more about boundaries) Remember that it would be unnatural and even unfulfilling to converse with someone who shared all of our views and opinions. Appreciate differences between individuals as an opportunity to learn more about our self and others.

• Know that a response is not always necessary.

Often, what is desired most is a supportive listener. When listening, practice listening for understanding without analyzing.

• Use I Statements as opposed to YOU statements .

(i.e. I feel hurt when). When sharing feelings, it is always best to use “I statements”. I statements help prevent others from taking a defensive stance. Try “I feel…” rather than “You made me feel”… When communicating your thoughts and feelings, speak for yourself. Literally.

• Set appropriate boundaries when necessary. If a conversation is sounding more like a personal attack or intrusive on subject matter, politely end the conversation. Boundaries are a two way street: be intentional about not crossing other's boundaries with questions and comments and expect the same in return.

• Be the energy you want to attract.

Envision and strive for positive outcomes in your conversations. Approach conversations with positive regard and intention. You are more likely to be understood and heard when your heart is in a good place.

Communication is verbally and non-verbally a part of each interaction we have with another. Like any other healthy habit, it is beneficial to you to practice and learn how to be effective in communicating every day. Strong communication skills improve the quality of your relationships and increase self-esteem.

Today is a great day to explore and improve your communication skills.

Relational Maintenance? Marriages can End like a Texas Snowstorm

Wed, 24 Feb 2021 19:58:00 GMT

Healthy relationships require maintenance. Built-to-last marriages are made by choice and action.

The 2021 winter storm in Texas that wreaked havoc on millions with irreparable damage, broken homes and lives, and occurred amidst a pandemic reminds me of the predictable crises in marriages related to neglecting to invest in our relationships. Marriages unravel with warning signs, data and recommendations to invest, repair, or prepare. Unfortunately, relationships are often broken beyond repair before there is acknowledgement of a problem. As with most national disasters, there is finger-pointing at who is responsible, who is to blame, why did this happen? We must ask why there was no backup plan, preventive measures, or proper insulation.

Perhaps it is human nature to stay committed to effortless daily routines, placate problems or place energy in more instantly gratifying activities: the result, we continue to fail to protect the relationships we value most.

Long term relationships fail without effort and maintenance.

Even with warning signs, deteriorating outdated systems, and suggested recommendations, people tend to prefer to do the minimum, procrastinate, ignore indicators that a marriage is failing or requires maintenance.

Americans invest in the pursuit of love and happiness almost as if it relates to how one measures success in life. Lavish weddings, expensive courtships, and careful selection goes into choosing a partner. Yet, once in a long-term relationship, the effort and investment too often dissipate. More remarkable is that as relational challenges emerge, there is often an unapologetic refusal of couples to re-invest time, effort or money to maintain a healthy relationship. This opposition can end catastrophically when the pipes literally burst or the roof caves in.

What is the reasoning? Aside from neglect, there is always plenty of blame to go around. It was ‘the move, stress of parenting, the in-laws, money troubles, or lack of commonality’. “She was not intimate, he has anger issues, or addictions to social media” are among reasons given. By the time a severe storm hits, the bag of resentments is already full. Intimacy, respect, and mutual positive regard has already been out the door for a while.

Back to Texas. There were recommendations. There was time to prepare and invest. Like many marriages, there wasn’t was a willingness to invest time, money and effort in what was foreseen as a predictable disaster.

Divorce is frequently the result of denial of warning signs and unwillingness to commit time, effort, and money

in protecting our most valuable relationship.

Last year I wrote a blog on Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling. I believe the article was perceived as negative. No one wants to hear divorce stats or be told what they already know. I had recommended the reading to several clients who were reluctant and skeptical about counseling. They shared similar reasons about why therapy was not working, “too late, too little, too expensive.” “He’s not trying. She doesn’t care.”

Maybe the truth is, “I don’t care anymore or I don’t know how to do my part in preserving a relationship.” As cliché as it sounds, the only person we can control is ourselves. We can make efforts in relationships and do the work to be a better life partner even if our spouse is not on board. Many clients attend therapy without their partners.

Texans have a lot to figure out, mourn, and repair. They have a lot to feel disappointed with and angry about. As with relationships, life and weather is unpredictable: it will present us with unanticipated hardship. Wedding vows used for centuries emphasize commitment in times of sickness and health, good and bad times. There are no guarantees, only a guarantee of good and hard times. Disaster, illness, and death will occur. We can expect unanticipated change. For all the wonderful moments, shared memories and celebrations, we can expect suffering. Suffering is our human dilemma.

I’m preaching to the choir for a reason. My question and weariness as a marriage therapist is that couples don’t invest in maintaining their relationships as a norm. The data and research on divorce is available. We spend extravagant amounts of time and money on weddings, vacations, homes and cars. We invest in hobbies, exercise, or social media. Why is there an investment to get married in a single day that disappears when it comes to staying married?

Why do couples avoid the therapy room?

I have listed commonly reported deterrents to therapy above. You may or may not know why. My experience tells me that avoidance comes down to an inherent, unrealistic belief that marriage should be easy. Life should be fair and easy. In our society, when the going gets tough, the tough seem to get going. Literally. The desire for easy street includes thoughts that “I should feel in love and be treated the way I want to be treated. I deserve the love I want. A good marriage is not hard.” While these are not terrible thoughts, they are simply not based in reality. What is hard about relationships is the fact that it involves two people and each person rightfully has independent needs, emotions and thoughts.

There is no match made in heaven; it is made in choices and action.

Good marriages are the result of two people understanding that relationships require work and each partner

being willing to continue to invest in the relationship without resentment.

The divorce rate is lower for arranged marriages hypothetically because these couples understand that they are choosing a partner for life, and perhaps not seeking a romance that will last forever. Romance is temporary . Most of us marry with the intention of a lifetime commitment. Otherwise, why bother with marriage?

Maybe we can learn from the 2021 Texas winter disaster. Instead of ignoring warning signs or investing in other more interesting ventures, perhaps we can heed warnings or become willing to address relational problems as they occur. Instead of blaming another, investing outside the marriage, band aiding problems until the pipes burst, we can choose actions that support the relationship we desire. There is a shared ongoing investment in marriages built to last. We maintain our cars and homes, jump hoops for our children, but struggle with efforts in marriages. We aren’t angry at our children for not understanding math, we get them support. Somehow, with our partners, we tend to expect them to know what to do, how to communicate, be better without seeking help. It is sadly ironic, with loneliness at an epidemic level (whether one is in a relationship or not), that we don’t invest in our relationships.

How do you do this? First, I would recommend asking yourself why you haven’t sought support in your marriage. No partner blaming is allowed because many individuals attend therapy on their own. Second, I would ask if you have realistic expectations about life and marriage. Last, for the sake of time, know if you want to be in a relationship you are in. When the resentment bag is just too full and a therapist can only serve as a short-term referee, it might be wise to consider your objective in attending marital therapy.

The bottom line is that many couples wait too long to maintain their relationships and prepare for hardship. Ships are built not to sink but have survival equipment on board so the passengers don’t drown if catastrophe hits. The ships are maintained and safety checks are ongoing. These safety regulations went into place after an international catastrophe, the sinking of the Titanic. Why not consider preparing your marriage with the same mindset? Do you have safety nets, the right equipment and invest time and money in maintenance of the marriage?

Marriages that are built to last are not a mystery; they include two people mutually invested in

maintaining a relationship and preparing for both good and hard times.

It really is that simple. Want a good marriage? Do the work.

Stress Reduction

Sat, 20 Feb 2021 14:35:53 GMT

Stress reduction will increase the quality of your life and relationships.

Chronic Stress is known to lead to a multitude of health conditions and shorten one's life expectancy. Whether you have stress at home, work or in relationships, learning practical ways to reduce your stress will benefit you and those around you.

Practice these strategies daily to reduce stress:

Just Breathe! Relax in minutes…thru breathing.

Breathing correctly helps oxygenate your blood and centers your body. The result is calm and clear thinking. Breathing exercises require only a few minutes of time, minimal effort and training.

Try inhaling counting to 3 and exhaling counting to 5, making certain your diaphragm is moving in with inhaling and back out with exhaling. Practice for 3-5 minutes

Listen to Music -Discover sounds that relax you!

Stressful situations can be overcome by taking a break and listening to relaxing music. Playing calm music has a positive effect on the brain and body. It can lower blood pressure and reduces cortisol, a hormone linked to stress. If music doesn’t relax you, try ocean or nature sounds which can result in similar relaxing effects.

Call a Friend or Family Member

Call a friend to talk or call to check in on their life. Talking to trusted friends is always a good escape from a stressful situation. Friends and family can help put things in perspective: even the voice of a trusted person can have a calming effect. By supporting a friend and being a listener, you can get out of your head and feel the benefit of helping another.

Talk Yourself through Stress

If calling someone is not an option, talking to yourself is a better option than freaking out. Talking out loud to yourself about the reason you are stressed, or what you need to do to complete a task actually works. Remind yourself it will be okay and that most stressful situations are not life threatening. Talking to yourself is not crazy, it is effective.

Eat Smart

Committing to a healthy diet is easy to say but hard to do. Stress levels and a healthy diet are closely linked. When we are most stressed, we forget to eat well. We try to save time by using quick “pick me ups”, (coffee or sugar) which doesn't last. Plan ahead if you are aware that stressful times may on your schedule. Add fruits, fish and other brain foods to your shopping list. Avoid fast food or processed food when possible.

Laugh

You can laugh or you can cry-both reactions release endorphins that improve mood and decrease stress hormones. Laughing tricks our nervous system into making us happy. Watch a favorite sit-com, movie clip, or You-Tube video. Think of things that make you laugh and keep them accessible. Call a friend or speak with a colleague who always makes you laugh. Laughter is the best medicine in health and in stressful times.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness has gained momentum in the health industry. Being mindful requires being present, and aware of your emotions and actions at the same time. Practicing mindfulness daily is calming and helps to reduce stress levels. Participation in Yoga, meditation groups or guided meditation are all great ways to learn or practice mindfulness.

Drink Tea

Caffeine increases blood pressure and creates adrenal overdrive. So while coffee or caffeine helps keep you going, it also stresses you out. Tea has half the caffeine of coffee and contains healthy antioxidants. If you are not in the mood for tea, choose water. Staying well-hydrated is an important component of any health routine.

Exercise (Even for a Minute)

Let go of traditional views of exercise. Embrace that a short walk around the block or morning stretches can offer immediate stress relief. Blood movement releases endorphins and can instantaneously improve your mood. Disliking the gym is no excuse when push-ups, jumping jacks or planking in your office can do the trick. Exercising for only a few minutes several times a day is great for stress reduction: you can build endurance towards longer time increments and get your blood and endorphins moving.

Prioritize Sleep

Lack of sleep is a key cause of stress. Once our sleep cycle is out of whack, it can be a difficult pattern to break. Medical attention may be necessary to achieve the needed seven to eight hours of sleep recommended for good health. Simple changes like shutting down the internet or TV at a specific time, effective time management, and committing to a sleep routine will help to make sleep a priority.

Ask for Help

Consider Stress Reduction Education and Coaching.

Stress is manageable and even better, you can reduce it with effort. Practice strategies to reduce or eliminate stress, at home, or at the workplace. Many people benefit from coaching or help from a therapist to develop and commit to a plan for stress reduction.

If you are struggling with stress seek support. Having an objective person to speak with can assist with accountability and developing a stress reduction plan. The cost of support is minimal in comparison to the cost of health conditions related to stress.

Today is a great day to begin reducing stress in your life.

12 Things Happy People Know

Sun, 14 Feb 2021 18:03:11 GMT

In the last decade there has been a growing interest in what makes people happy. In addition to ample books on happiness, there are now happiness groups, seminars and even “Happiness Clinics” that individuals attend. While each book or clinic has a different spin on the pursuit of happiness, the research findings about what makes people happy are generally the same.

This is what the happiest people say they do:

1. Surround Themselves with Positive, Encouraging People - “Ask me who I am and I’ll show you my friends.” If you are hanging out with cheerful, positive people, the odds are you will be more content. If you are surrounded by negativity, it is likely to rub off on you. Observe your social groups and listen to the messages your social network is conveying. Are the conversations upbeat and grateful or are the discussions full of judgement and resentments?

2. Happy People Are Grateful- There are good days and bad days, but happy people tend to focus on what they have rather than what they don’t have. Happy people find the good in mishaps, viewing them as opportunities for learning- turning lemons into lemonade. They know how to be present and in the moment. They tend to appreciate what is around them whether it is family, nature or just a good cup of coffee. Happy people appreciate what is good about their lives, even in tough times.

3. Focus on Health- Individuals who reported feeling most content focus on eating well, exercising regularly, and getting adequate rest. Overall, they prioritize taking good care of their physical, emotional and mental health.

4. Maintain strong family and community connections- While not everyone is able to live close to their relatives or has a perfect marriage, the happiest individuals still find ways to prioritize their relationships with friends, family, and in their community. They tend to stay connected to family and friends and consider spending time with loved ones a priority.

5. Focus less on accumulation of wealth or material goods- Surprisingly research indicates that happiness has little to do with economic status. Of course, living in poverty or bankruptcy is stressful: however, those with the most “goods” tend to be less happy than individuals living a more modest lifestyle.

6. Give back to the community- The happiest individuals report being active in volunteer work, helping others, and are invested in their community and youth. Helping others feels good, gets us out of our own lives, and enhances self-esteem.

7. Have a strong spiritual life- Having an active spiritual life is different than having religious affiliations. While many of the happiest persons report being active in religious organizations, what is more important to one’s happiness is having a spiritual connection to a power greater than oneself. Equally important is committing time daily toward meditation and/or prayer.

8. Happy People are loving and tolerant- In general, the happiest people tend to be tolerant, less judgmental and tend to trust or have faith in others. They focus on what is positive and good about individuals rather than flaws or differences. Learning to love others, even those who have hurt us is a big step for many. Being released from anger or resentments in forgiveness is a powerful way to experience new sense of freedom.

9. Have a positive outlook on life- They see the glass half full. They hope for and anticipate positive outcomes. Given what we know about the power of thoughts, the happiest people are more likely to experience positive outcomes they are predicting.

10. Remain Action Oriented and Solution Focused- It is not that happy people do not feel disappointed or sad, they just know how to pick themselves up and keep moving forward in a hopeful, constructive manner. They focus on solutions to problems and act on the solutions. They continue to pursue what brings happiness by accepting that life is full of joyous moments as well as disappointments.

11. Prioritize activities that bring them joy- While most people have busy schedules: the happiest folks that make certain to schedule joyful activities in their daily routines. Whether it is running, gardening, yoga or coffee dates, they make time for what produces joy.

12. Choose simplicity- If you haven’t begun to declutter your environment or your mind to decrease stress, this is the time to do it. Research indicates that the happiest individuals live simpler, less complicated lives. Living simply, with less obligations or things to maintain leaves time to do the things you enjoy.

Ideas for Practicing Happiness Every Day

Try identifying a few areas that you believe contribute to your happiness. Pinpoint areas you can improve. Spend a week or two committing to changing routines or thoughts related to happiness. It may be helpful to record your progress and observations. While it takes time and effort for change to occur, remaining hopeful, solution-focused and optimistic about your outcome is an action toward living a more joyful and happy life.

Today is a great day to practice happiness.

Immediate Stress Relief

Sat, 13 Feb 2021 17:19:36 GMT

Use these strategies to immediately reduce stress in challenging moments.

Using immediate stress relief strategies during challenging or stressful moments is critical to preserving your long-term health. Stress reduction just makes sense. We must view stress as something to reduce or eliminate, not "Manage". It is well documented that chronic stress can and will shorten your life span. Further, chronic stress reduces one's quality of life and negatively impacts our relationships. While it is unrealistic to believe we can eliminate stress all together, we can practice simple strategies that can reduce the impact of daily stressors.

Below are some quick tips to use during stressful moments:

-Take a break from what you are doing

-Take a walk

-Focus on controlled breathing

-Get outside for fresh air

-Call a friend

-Practice relaxation techniques

-Challenge negative thoughts

-Offer to help someone else

-Write down your frustration and put it away

-Ask yourself if the situation is life threatening

-Use your creative side and make something: bake or draw

-Find a way to laugh, smile or be playful

-Practice mindfulness: pay attention to your senses/environment

-Learn to say No to avoid overload

-Recharge by closing your eyes for a cat nap or quick break

-Stay hydrated-drink water throughout the day

-Eat nourishing food and avoid sugary quick fixes

-Choose a few Catch Phrases to reset your thoughts

- I can only control my own actions and reactions

- Everything will be okay

- I have a great life

- I have a lot to be grateful for

We are each soothed by different things. It is important to make a list of stress reduction strategies that work for you. Keep this list somewhere easy to see or make it available on your phone. When we take steps to reduce stress, we add years to our lives, leave room for joy and improve our relationships.

Today is a great day to practice reducing daily stress.

Cognitive Distortions

Fri, 12 Feb 2021 00:03:59 GMT

Cognitive Distortions, the thoughts that exacerbate anxiety and depression.

Cognitive Distortions are faulty thinking patterns that convince us of information that is simply not true. When unchecked or unconscious, we often react to ideas or thoughts that have no basis in reality. Chronic use of cognitive distortions can increase our depression and anxiety by reinforcing negative thoughts about ourselves or others.

While most of us use one or two faulty thought patterns periodically, those with anxiety and depression tend to rely on distorted thoughts that reinforce feeling poorly about oneself or circumstances.

In his groundbreaking book, Feeling Good , (Burns 1989) identified cognitive distortions as the primary culprits in exacerbating anxiety and depression. Therapists will use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to assist clients in learning how cognitive distortions contribute to an increase in anxiety and depression. Often referred to as " stinking thinking", cognitive distortions can perpetuate chronic negativity and feelings of hopelessness.

By understanding our faulty thinking patterns, we can identify triggers and learn strategies to reduce the influence or use of cognitive distortions.

Strategies to combat cognitive distortions include fact checks, identifying thoughts or emotions associated with distorted thoughts, and replacing distortions with more accurate realistic thoughts.

While it is easy to get caught up in negative thinking patterns when we are tired, stressed, or upset, others may be consumed by repetitive, negative thoughts. Below are the most recognized types of cognitive distortions.

Try identifying the thought patterns you use most frequently when not basing thoughts on facts. While we know feelings are not facts, we often forget that thoughts and ideas are also not facts.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS-Cognitive Distortions -(Burns, 1989)

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking : You tend to think in absolute, black and white categories. For example, “I won’t fit in” or “I won’t know anyone at the party”.

2. Mental Filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives. For example, remembering only the person who didn’t acknowledge your hello as opposed to remember the dozens of people who did communicate thoughtfully.

3. Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. For example, “This always happens to me, nothing ever works out.”

4. Discounting the positive: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities don’t count. For example, “She only smiled at me because she felt it would be polite.” Or, you receive a multitude of positive feedback on your presentation but focus on one negative remark.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: You conclude things are bad without any definite evidence. For example, “I know I am going to get in trouble because why else would my boss want to talk to me.”

a) Mind reading: You assume that people are reacting negatively to you. You believe you know what others are thinking without evidence.

b) Fortune-telling: You predict that things will turn out badly. You believe you know the outcome of upcoming events.

6. Magnification or minimization: You blow things way out of proportion or you shrink their importance. For example, “I was destroyed when those people saw me trip coming up the stairs.” "I didn't notice anything, what are you talking about?"

7. Emotional Reasoning : You reason from how you feel: “I feel like an idiot, so I must be one.”

8. “Should” statements: You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds”, “shouldn’ts”, and “musts”.

9. Labeling : Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself, “I am a jerk”, or a loser. You often speak of yourself in a derogatory manner.

10. Blame/Personalization : You blame yourself for something that you weren’t entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that you contribute to a problem. For example, “I let the conversation get awkward.” "Everyone was unhappy at the party because of me".

It is important to understand how your thought patterns contribute to anxiety or depression. When we can identify faulty thinking, we learn how to challenge thoughts that send us in a downward spiral. Ask yourself is this a feeling or a fact? Remember that feelings and thoughts are not facts.

Today is a great day to consider new ways of thinking.

Managing Conflict with Grace

Mon, 08 Feb 2021 05:19:44 GMT

Rules for Fighting Fair

Conflict and disagreements are a part of most intimate relationships. Having arguments with loved ones is not an indicator of having a poor relationship or pending doom. On the contrary, relationships in which

arguments do not occur are far more likely to end. Arguing is a form of communication that with practice and ground rules, can be constructive in supporting healthier interactions and maintaining intimacy.

Below are a few tips for Managing Conflict:

1. Take turns speaking and listening. No Interrupting.

2. Be specific and honest about what the issue is, and stick to it.

3. No yelling or raising one’s voice- a calm voice is more easily understood.

4. Do not bring up the past.

5. No Name-Calling or Put Downs.

6. Stick to the facts: avoid exaggerating, making assumptions, or generalizations like "always or never".

7. Arguments must be in words, never with physical action.

8. Avoid accusations: Use 'I-Statements' such as "I feel" ...

9. Agree to remain calm or continue the conversation when emotions are less heated.

10. No stonewalling or walking away. If one feels unable to continue, agree to discuss later.

Making your Ground Rules List

*Agree to ground rules for conflict/fighting fair before arguments occur.

*Place a copy of your list in a visible location in your home.

*Add items to your list as constructive ways to manage conflict are discovered.

If you and your partner find that circular arguments or conflict prevents you from communicating about important topics such as finances, parenting or intimacy, it may help to speak to a licensed therapist. Significant blocks or explosive communication can lead to resentments or damage even the strongest relationships.

Margaret Denise Brauns, LMFT

Understanding Depression

Sun, 07 Feb 2021 23:45:15 GMT

Depression is a health condition that does not discriminate.

Being in a depressed mood or “feeling depressed” can be described by many as an emotion like any other. The difference between feeling depressed and being clinically depressed is the length of time that the feeling of depression persists and the extent to which the depressed mood interferes with our daily activities.

Clinical depression is accompanied by multiple physical and mental symptoms. Depression can leave individuals unable to function in their lives in the manner which they did previously: it can be disabling or even life threatening in extreme cases.

Clinical depression can originate from external or internal factors. The first, external, is triggered from environment factors (i.e. death, divorce, loss of employment). Internally triggered depression can result from a pre-disposition to mood disorders, a chemical imbalance.

Depression may be triggered by external stressors or can occur with no identifiable factors. Research indicates that like other health issues, we can be genetically susceptible to depression given our family history. Regardless of the origin of depression, if it is interfering with your quality of life for more than a few weeks, it is wise to seek help from a medical professional.

A majority of adults will suffer from at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime. The World Health Organization had predicted that by 2020, clinical depression will be the second leading cause of death world-wide (suicide or related physical conditions). Clinical Depression is a medical condition; it is not something one chooses to experience or a mood we can talk ourselves out of.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following: If you have 3 or more of these symptoms persisting more than 2 weeks, it is recommended that you seek support.

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• Fatigue and decreased energy

• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

• Irritability, restlessness

• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

• Overeating or appetite loss

• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

Teenagers and Depression : While many of the symptoms listed above are similar for teens, teenagers often exhibit different or additional symptoms including the following:

• Restlessness and hyperactivity

• Extreme mood swings

• Irritability

• Cutting or other self-harming behaviors

• Insomnia and difficulty staying asleep

• Lack of motivation in school

• Isolation and withdrawing from friends and family

• Disinterest in activities once enjoyed

• Excessive crying or flat affect(no facial expression)

If you believe you or a loved one is suffering from the medical condition of depression, it is important to contact your physician for support. Understanding that depression is a medical condition requiring medical assistance, helps individuals suffering to recover more safely and expeditiously. Seeking medical support does not mean you will be prescribed or forced to take medication. Frequently, physicians recommend speaking to a mental health professional.

While medication may not be indicated, it is important to speak to your primary care physician about symptoms. Other medical conditions can trigger or mimic depression such as thyroid or hormonal imbalances. It is wise to rule out other medical conditions while addressing symptoms of depression.

Understanding depression, gaining awareness about triggers, symptoms, or susceptibility to mood disorders, helps us to more easily identify, prevent or manage future episodes. Clinical depression is not an attitude, personal weakness or choice, it is a medical condition, like any other treatable health condition.

Today is the day to address your own or a family member's depression.

Communicating through Technology

Sun, 07 Feb 2021 22:13:18 GMT

Use technology thoughtfully when communicating.

Individuals report experiencing feeling happiest when engaging in text, phone, and face to face communications. Social media such as Facebook or Instagram may keep us informed, but is not as rewarding as speaking in person or through interactive phone contact. If you can’t talk directly, texting is the next recommended way to communicate effectively.

Quick Tips for more satisfying outcomes when using technology to communicate:

• Pick up the phone and call your friends or family members.

• Pick up the phone when friends and family call you.

• Make plans and schedule time to connect with others. Before leaving a conversation, schedule an estimated time you can reconnect.

• Be willing to initiate communication first; don’t wait for others to contact you. Initiating phone calls can be hard if you are keeping score. If imbalanced, consider that relational connections are your strength.

• Agree to general guidelines about the use of technology in relationships. (i.e. put phones away during mealtime, agree to specific times when technology is turned off)

• Do not respond immediately through technology when angry or emotional. Give yourself a chance to cool off before writing or leaving a voice mail. Avoid regrets about statements put in writing.

• If you don’t understand a written message, try to give the benefit of the doubt. Without tone or context, communication can easily be misunderstood.

• Whenever possible, use facetime, zoom or the phone to talk. Face to face communication minimizes the potential for misunderstandings and is far more satisfying.

• Share differences and resentments about technology usage before it becomes an argument.

Have realistic expectations when using technology to communicate with family and friends. Maintaining healthy, open communication can be challenging even while living under the same roof. Learn to adopt strategies to remain meaningfully connected is a lifelong process.

Communication Strategies in Healthy Relationships

Sun, 07 Feb 2021 17:39:22 GMT

Practice these strategies to improve communication in your relationships.

You can begin practicing new and healthy communication patterns with the suggestions below.

Practice these tips when communicating:

• Be present when communicating.

• Timing is everything.

• Practice Active Listening.

Eye contact, asking questions, and seeking clarification all demonstrate that you are actively listening.

• Be a Non-Reactive Listener.

Before reacting, ask for clarification. Statements are frequently heard incorrectly or misunderstood. Listen without judging or becoming emotional to better understand what is being communicated.

• Assume the best.

Give others the benefit of the doubt. We are less likely to respond defensively when we assume others have good intentions in their communications.

• Respectfully listen to individual opinions and viewpoints.

• Know that a response is not always necessary.

Often, what is desired most is a supportive listener. When listening, practice listening for understanding without analyzing.

• Use I Statements as opposed to YOU statements.

• Be the energy you want to attract.

Every day is a great day to work on effective communication.

Anxiety-The Impact on Mental and Physical Health

Sun, 07 Feb 2021 17:07:16 GMT

Are you aware how much anxiety impacts your life?

Anxiety can be the underlying cause for hundreds of physical symptoms. Often individuals believe they have a serious medical condition long before they realize they have an anxiety disorder. Many clients, specifically adults, deny having anxiety but will readily admit that they worry constantly. It is estimated that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety.

Chronic or severe anxiety can be disabling; a roller coaster of emotional and physical symptoms drastically impacting the quality of one’s life. Following is a list of commonly reported physical and emotional symptoms reported by individuals who suffer from anxiety. Frequently patients are relieved to hear or read that others have similar experiences or thoughts such as "anxiety about anxiety" or fearing another panic attack. As unique as we are individually, so is the severity and type of symptoms one may experience as a result of anxiety.

Following are commonly reported physical symptoms, thoughts and fears associated with anxiety.

Physical symptoms associated with anxiety:

• Body and muscle aches

• Extreme sensations of being hot or cold

• Chest pain and tightness

• Startling easily

• Dizziness or lightheaded

• Weight loss or weight gain

• Body or Head Zaps, tingling sensations or numbness

• Restlessness or inability to relax

• Weakness/weakened muscles

• Flu-like symptoms, feeling as if coming down with a flu

• Frequent urination

• Profuse Sweating

• Sensation of choking or suffocation

• Gagging, coughing

• Heart palpitations, pounding or racing heart

• TMJ or tightening of the jaw

• Shooting pains in any area of the body

• Holding one’s breath, shortness of breath or rapid breathing

• Increased or decreased sex drive

• Difficulty hearing, “plugged” or ringing in the ears

• Nausea and vomiting

• Neck, back, or shoulder pain, tension, tightness/stiffness

• Night sweats, waking up in a sweat

• Vertigo or feeling off balance

• Trembling or shaking

• Headaches and migraines

• IBS

Impact on Sleep

• Insomnia-Difficulty falling or staying asleep

• Frightening or bizarre dreams

• Hearing sounds that jolt one awake

• Waking up in a panic attack

• Experiencing heightened anxiety in the mornings

Fears Associated with Anxiety

• Excessive fear of what others think

• Afraid of being trapped with no exits

• Fear of dying

• Fear of losing control or snapping

• Fear of panic attacks

• Fear about health or having an undetected health condition

• Fear of making mistakes or feeling humiliated

• Fear of being in public places

• Fear of fainting

• Fear of going insane or losing a sense of reality

• Fear of uncontrollably harming oneself

• Fear of being alone

• Fear of germs, infection or contamination

Thoughts Associated with Anxiety

• Difficulty focusing or concentrating

• Feeling that one is in a non-reality

• Brain fog or Deja Vu

• Depersonalization

• Feeling disorientated

• Constant feeling of overwhelm

• Obsession about physical health or sensations

• Repetitive thinking/rumination

• Desensitization

• Difficulty with short term memory or learning

• Crying for no apparent reason

• Not caring about things once important

• Feeling detached from loved ones or emotionally numb

• Irritability

• Depression

• Mood swings

Getting Support

Living with chronic anxiety can lead to feeling desperate and hopeless about one’s life. Misunderstanding anxiety disorders or lacking knowledge about mental health treatment, stress and triggers prevents many from seeking the help they need. Enduring an anxiety disorder without treatment can prolong daily suffering. Research indicates that the most effective treatment plan for chronic anxiety is a combination of Psychotherapy and help from a medical professional. Medication may help with physical symptoms and/or a chemical imbalance; mental health professionals can assist with strategies to change faulty thinking patterns, reduce stress, and identify triggers that contribute to anxiety disorders.

Today is great day to seek the support you need.

Stress Reduction Tips

Wed, 03 Feb 2021 23:35:44 GMT

Strategies to reduce daily Stress.

Practice strategies to reduce stress in your life daily. Following are a few of the basics for stress reduction.

Just Breathe! Relax in minutes…thru breathing.

Breathing correctly helps oxygenate your blood and centers your body. The result is calm and clear thinking. Breathing exercises require only a few minutes of time, minimal effort and training. Try inhaling counting to 3 and exhaling counting to 5, making certain your diaphragm is moving in with inhaling and back out with exhaling. Practice for 3-5 minutes

Listen to Music-Discover sounds that relax you!

Call a Friend

Talk Yourself through Stress

Eat Smart

Laughter

Mindfulness

Drink Tea

Exercise (Even for a Minute)

Prioritize Sleep

Stress Management Education and Coaching

Stress is manageable. Practice strategies to reduce or eliminate stress, at home, or at the workplace. Many people benefit from coaching or help from a therapist to develop and commit to a plan for stress reduction.

If you are struggling with unmanageable chronic stress it may be helpful to seek support. Having an objective person to speak with can assist with accountability, learning new skills and developing a stress reduction plan. The cost of support is minimal in comparison to the cost of health conditions related to stress.

Today is a great day to practice stress reduction to 'stress less and live more'.

Am I a Perfectionist?

Mon, 01 Feb 2021 21:32:12 GMT

"I hadn't considered I was a perfectionist; I thought I was just lazy and unmotivated"

Many of us prefer things executed well and with precision, but there are some individuals who have difficulty letting go of the slightest imperfection, even if it means appearing unmotivated or resigning to accomplishing nothing. Review the following questionnaire and determine whether you might be a Perfectionist.

Read the statements below, noting if you agree or disagree.

1) Nothing good comes from making mistakes

2) I must do things right the first time

3) I must do everything well, not just the things I know I’m good at

4) If I can’t do something perfectly then there is no point even trying

5) I rarely give myself credit when I do well because there’s always something more I could do

6) Sometimes I am so concerned about getting one task done perfectly that I don’t have time to complete the rest of my work

7) I frequently have trouble deciding what to wear in the morning.

8) I find it so difficult to choose a restaurant that it becomes too late to eat out

9) I have difficulty making choices or decisions for fear I will make the wrong decision

10) I always try to arrive early to appointments

11) I feel reassured by asking others to check my work in order to make sure there are no mistakes

12) I will fold and refold laundry if you can see the edges aren’t exactly even

13) I need my work space completely tidy and organized before I can work

14) I repeatedly look in the mirror for facial blemishes

15) I recheck my work repeatedly, searching for errors

16) I stop trying in classes, at work or on projects when I feel I am making too many mistakes

17) I will quit my job or drop a class if I make a mistake and fear being fired or getting a low grade.

18) I put off starting projects/assignment for fear that it won’t ever be done well enough

19) I will delay starting a healthy eating plan until the time feels ‘right’, when no birthdays, holidays, or celebrations are nearby

20) It is hard for me to delegate work because I’m afraid others will make mistakes

21) I tend to read very slowly to make sure I don’t miss any important information

22) I often correct people when they mispronounce words

23) I avoid putting in applications for jobs for fear I will never get them

If you “Agree” with many of the questions, the odds are you are a perfectionist. (If you are still uncertain, read additional articles and questionnaires about perfectionism on this site.)

Being a perfectionist has its perks and drawbacks. If you struggle with perfectionism, it can lead to a multitude of undesired results including negative self image, depression, anxiety, and occupational, relational and academic challenges. Continue learning about perfectionism. There are a multitude of strategies for changing thought patterns and behaviors. Awareness is the first step.

Today is a great day to acknowledge perfectionism.

Sleep Essentials

Mon, 01 Feb 2021 00:42:43 GMT

Tips for Sleeping Well

Sleeplessness, or difficulty sleeping is one of the most frequently reported ailments by patients in my practice. Patients describe difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking too early. Medical studies point to sleep as the single most important factor when recovering from a surgery, physical or mental illness, weight loss, and even stress management. When patients are asked what single thing helped them in recovering from depression or anxiety, the answer is almost always “I'm sleeping better.” If you suffer from chronic sleep deprivation, you have likely tried many different strategies.

There are three essential elements needed to achieve restful sleep:

A belief that adequate sleep is essential to your health.
Ability to commit to a nighttime sleep routine.
Willingness to prioritize sleep as critical to your total well being.

Getting Started:
It's important to understand your personal day and night time routines when you commit to conquering sleeplessness. You can begin by taking an inventory of your night and awake time habits for at least two weeks. Record your habits in some type of journal for review. Once you have insight about your sleep patterns, you must commit to a nighttime routine. Make note of the areas you can improve and write out an action plan. Many of us refuse to follow the basic rules for getting a good night’s sleep. On nights you struggle with sleep, review your routine from the previous day and check for areas that might need adjusting.

Basic tips for Better Sleep:

Develop a bedtime routine. No matter how old we are, our bodies respond best to routine.
No caffeine after 3:00 p.m. – limit your caffeine intake to 1-2 cups in the morning.
Turn off all technology one hour before your bed time. This includes your T.V. and cell phones.
Exercise routinely but not directly before bedtime.
Take a soothing bath or do something relaxing in the hours before going to sleep.
Try reading a novel or something mildly cheerful or entertaining for a change (no work reports or reading on an IPad/IPhone)
Remove the television from your room. The bedroom is a place for rest and sleep. Using a television to fall asleep is one of the worst ways to get a good night’s rest.
If you are a light sleeper, consider white noise or a sound machine to block out distractions or noise that awakens you.
Try drinking warm caffeine free-teas, such as chamomile while winding down in the evening.
Avoid alcoholic beverages as studies indicate alcohol is actually disruptive to your sleep.
Set a bedtime in which you know you can achieve 6-8 hours of sleep.
Limit naps in the daytime to around 30 minutes.
Add writing in a Gratitude Journal to your nighttime routine.

If you are obsessing about sleeplessness while trying to sleep, try these strategies:

Practice breathing techniques (i.e. focusing on inhaling and exhaling slowly).
If you become agitated and have been laying down for more than 30 minutes, get up and try one of the strategies above
Try meditation or prayer, clearing your mind, focus on breathing.
Get creative. Instead of counting sheep or backwards from 100, try to play a favorite song in your head or replay a favorite memory that could lead to a nice dream.
Try appreciating rest or laying down even if you are not sleeping. As opposed to becoming aggravated, focus on how grateful you are for the time to rest.

If you have exhausted all your strategies and are still struggling with sleep issues, it might be helpful to seek the counsel of a medical professional. There is the possibility that there is an underlying medical reason for sleeplessness.

Today is a great day to begin sleeping better.

Love is Patient, Kind and Complex

Mon, 22 Jun 2020 04:12:25 GMT

Couples frequently begin therapy questioning if their relationship is going to last. Even with years of history, they find themselves over time feeling disconnected and detached. Reasons shared about

this disconnect include “work schedules, children/family, separate hobbies or friends, or even traumatic

events”. Efforts at communication and intimacy cease to be a priority.

The film “A Marriage Story ”, was exceptional in demonstrating how a couple can be deeply in love, sharing passion and interests, and still disengage from the relationship. Even with their mutual love and commonality, resentments began to erode their intimacy. This str uggle and downward spiral may feel familiar to many couples, leaving the question, ‘Are we going to make it?

Not feeling loved, appreciated or respected is one of the most common concerns couples share in therapy. Interestingly, both partners state they feel the same. When asked about the accuracy of such feelings, the responses usually reflect love and appreciation of the other. ” I love and appreciate all that my wife does. Or, my husband is amazing! A hard worker and a great dad”. What does this mean? Generally, it does not reflect the absence of love, admiration or respect: it reflects the absence of words and actions, (love languages) that express commitment, love and respect.

Couples can become unwilling to be vulnerable in words or action, unable to express interest in their partners day or opinions, and can even be wary of sharing about their own internal world. While many couples still respect and appreciate the other, they end up in a “silent standoff”, not knowing how to proceed. The long-term result of broken communication, making efforts, or avoidance is a deterioration of the relationship.

So, what happens next in a somewhat predictable relational crisis? It would be amazing if there was a What to expect in relationships guide similar to those produced for raising children. We would all own that book if it existed, or life/relationships had more predictability. In reality, individuals and couples are far too complex . Still, relational guidance in uncharted territory can reduce fear and instill hope in struggling relationships.

Conversations about lack of intimacy or feeling unimportant are hard. Therapists can support tough

conversations and assist couples in restoring communication and intimacy. While it is unlikely that couples will return to the butterflies of a new romance, it is possible to regain intimacy. Intimacy with history is what real love is. Real love is about commitment, shared life experiences, wonderful and harsh memories, with successes and failures. Lasting intimacy occurs with a partner who knows you better than anyone, accepts you as an imperfect individual and is willing to commit to change as it becomes necessary.

Whatever your faith, the passage from the book of Corinthians stands the test of time:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor

others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in

evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

In love, we are forgiving, accepting, and open to change. If you are seeking relational change, make efforts with

your partner today. Talk about your communication or hopes for connection. Action is a statement of love and commitment. Therapy, and relational work is always about progress, not perfection.
Every day, and every moment is an opportunity for a new beginning.

Margaret Denise Brauns, LMFT

What is the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act?

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 22:19:05 GMT

Mental Health is a Right

Did you know that the provision of necessary mental health treatment from your insurance provider is mandated by state and federal law? If not, this is an important article to read. The Mental Health Parity Act states that health insurance MUST provide equal coverage for physical and mental health conditions.

Your rights include the following:

1) You have the right to coverage for the diagnosis and medically necessary treatment of mental health issues.
2) You can change/choose your doctor or other mental health provider if you are not satisfied.
Here is the link to the most recent updates to the laws (2020, in response to Covid 19)
https://www.cms.gov/files/document/faqs-telehealth-covid-19.pdf

What does this mean?
The consumer has the right to select a therapist.
You have the right to choose a therapist that is experienced, accessible in location, available, and specializes in the treatment you need.
Additionally, your sessions cannot be limited.
Why doesn't this happen? Generally, clients are unaware of their rights and insurance providers will immediately direct their clients to a list of providers who they have contracted at a reduced cost. These providers may or may not have openings, be a good fit, or specialize in the treatment you need.

Local Sacramento celebrity Hasan Minhaj, dedicated an entire episode on Netflix to the subject of mental health. The following is a link to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tEuU_1ZGSY .

The bottom line is when insurance providers are called out by clients, 39% of the time, they give in to the law. The solution Minhaj suggests is that individuals must complain and report each time the Mental Health Parity Act is denied. There is power in numbers and there is power in not taking no for an answer. Ask for a supervisor, state the law, or ask for the department head. Each time a community member pursues their rights, it forces the system to change.

If you are seeking the best mental health care for yourself or a loved one, it may require some research and persistence. The main indicators that predict successful outcomes in treatment are:

1) the relationship between the therapist and client (a good fit) and,
2) the number of sessions attended. Naturally more sessions result in better outcomes.

Be willing to research your rights for mental health treatment and the coverage your insurance provider must honor. When we make time for things important to us, we achieve results. According to state and federal law, you have the right to select the best physician for yourself, as well as the most appropriate mental health provider. Remember that mental health is legally considered as important as your physical health.

Understand your rights to quality mental health care and insist on receiving the best care for yourself or a loved one.

Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling

Tue, 02 Jun 2020 21:31:00 GMT

How to Overcome Potential Obstacles

Marriage therapists can support couples with relational challenges such as communication and intimacy. In general, success in therapy is largely dependent on the relationship with the therapist and a commitment to "do the work". However, there are several obstacles to successful outcomes for couples that should be considered prior to an investment of time and money. Marital counseling is different than individual therapy for the obvious reason that two people must desire change. Resistance, feelings of hopelessness, or resentment about attending therapy can be a set up for failure unless both parties are equally committed. On the bright side, obstacles can be viewed as an opportunity to demonstrate one's capacity for change. When beginning couples counseling, it will be important to address these barriers at the onset of therapy. If you or your partner have concern or hesitation about marital counseling, you can utilize free phone consultations offered by most therapists to discuss your concerns prior to beginning treatment.

Below are some potential obstacles that couples might consider before entering treatment.

1. Waiting too long to attend couples counseling

The majority of couples who have poor outcomes in counseling have waited too long to receive help. By the time a decision is made to try counseling, often, one or both parties are already at the end of their ropes and have possibly made a decision to exit the relationship.Committing to couples counseling earlier in your relationship, rather than later, is always a good choice. Unless both parties want to continue in the relationship and agree that a healthier relationship together is the goal, the therapy will not be successful.

Suggestion: Be honest with your partner about your intentions regarding therapy before you begin. Share your feelings of hopelessness with your partner and therapist. Successful outcomes in marriage counseling depend on both partners entering with the intention of making improvements to the marriage. It is never too late to create positive changes and repair struggling relationships. Each day, month or year, you put off attending therapy, is another day lost in re-establishing a positive connection with your partner. Challenges in relationships are best addressed in the beginning, before additional wounds or resentments occur. Wherever you begin efforts for change, the probability of success in couples counseling is greater when both parties are fully committed.

2. Unwillingness to Compromise

What frequently brings couples into therapy is communication barriers, lack of intimacy, disagreements about parenting, or financial concerns. Couples report being in a standoff, and having circular arguments resulting in no solutions. After years or months of repetitive arguments, couples may begin to withdraw and become unwilling to compromise with their partners. Reluctance to compromise or the need to “win” presents a barrier that must be overcome before progress can occur. Living alone can be easy because it is always on your own terms: being in any relationship requires compromise.

Suggestion: If compromise is a challenge, you must become aware of its interference in healthy relationships. Learn to ask and listen to what your partner needs and feels. Practice enjoying the observation of your partner feeling heard and understood. Ask yourself, “do I need to be right or do I want to be happy?” Consider a new definition of winning: “I am winning when my relationships are thriving and when my partner and I both feel satisfied and happy in the success of our relationship.” The art of compromise can be learned if there is genuine interest in maintaining the relationship. If compromise creates a roadblock, or winning is a primary objective for you, individual therapy might be helpful before beginning work as a couple.

3. Lack of Trust in your Therapist or a Lack of Belief in Counseling

When selecting a therapist, a primary focus must be mutual positive regard and trust with the therapist. For couples, this sense of trust and safety must be experienced by both partners. If only one person participated in the selection process of a counselor, it may feel difficult to be invested. Consequently, if one person feels distrustful, the sessions can be sabotaged unknowingly before the therapist can even establish the areas of concern.

When therapy is not valued in general, and not part of the belief system for either partner, it is important to discuss and research your resistance to therapy. Marital therapy is less impactful when one or both parties is skeptical about mental health.

Suggestion: Take your time selecting a therapist you both choose and feel safe with. Discuss your feelings with your therapist in sessions if you do not feel supported. Marriage therapy is an excellent time to practice communication that is uncomfortable. A skilled therapist will utilize your openness as an opportunity for relational growth.

If skepticism about mental health is an obstacle, read about the benefits of mental health or make inquiries to trusted persons in your life about their experiences. It is also beneficial to discuss your concerns about treatment with therapists in consultations prior to therapy.

4. Commitment to Continuation of the Relationship by both partners

As mentioned above, both parties in a struggling relationship must be willing and ready to work on the marriage. If one partner has a foot out the door or is already considering another relationship, the therapy will not be successful. The level of commitment to continuation of a relationship can only be known by the two individuals in the relationship. If staying in the marriage is not the goal, marriage therapy may not be the right choice. This is a hard discussion, but it is imperative to setting realistic goals.

Suggestion: Commitment to continuation of a relationship is best discussed before entering counseling. It can be painful to be honest with yourself and your partner about your intentions regarding the relationship when you are not invested in remaining married. Individual therapy can assist in seeking clarity about your hesitation or finding the words to exit a relationship gracefully. Feelings of resistance due to significant resentments could be the obstacle or you may be looking for support in finding courage to make tough decisions about parting ways.

5. Believing Therapy is a Waste of Time or Money

Therapy is a commitment of time and money. Most of us would prefer to spend money on tangible or fun items. While finances are a concern for most couples, we generally find time and money for the things we value most. Unwillingness to budget for and research affordable marriage counseling options, may be an indicator that that the relationship is not prioritized.

Suggestion: Do the math with your partner prior to seeking therapy. A pro/con list with a pen and paper can help move you and your partner through financial resentments or concerns about the cost of therapy. The cost of a divorce, living in two homes and losing the benefits that come with being in a relationship are significant. For those who prefer to fix things themselves and resent paying for any service, research the cost of divorce. If divorce is on the horizon, research collaborative mediators. Not every marriage is meant to last; making educated, thoughtful choices when parting ways respectfully is in the best interest of everyone.