Barriers to Success in Marriage Counseling
Margaret Denise Brauns | LMFT
How to Overcome Potential Obstacles
Marriage therapists can support couples with relational challenges such as communication and intimacy. In general, success in therapy is largely dependent on the relationship with the therapist and a commitment to "do the work". However, there are several obstacles to successful outcomes for couples that should be considered prior to an investment of time and money. Marital counseling is different than individual therapy for the obvious reason that two people must desire change. Resistance, feelings of hopelessness, or resentment about attending therapy can be a set up for failure unless both parties are equally committed. On the bright side, obstacles can be viewed as an opportunity to demonstrate one's capacity for change. When beginning couples counseling, it will be important to address these barriers at the onset of therapy. If you or your partner have concern or hesitation about marital counseling, you can utilize free phone consultations offered by most therapists to discuss your concerns prior to beginning treatment.
Below are some potential obstacles that couples might consider before entering treatment.
1. Waiting too long to attend couples counseling
The majority of couples who have poor outcomes in counseling have waited too long to receive help. By the time a decision is made to try counseling, often, one or both parties are already at the end of their ropes and have possibly made a decision to exit the relationship.Committing to couples counseling earlier in your relationship, rather than later, is always a good choice. Unless both parties want to continue in the relationship and agree that a healthier relationship together is the goal, the therapy will not be successful. Suggestion: Be honest with your partner about your intentions regarding therapy before you begin. Share your feelings of hopelessness with your partner and therapist. Successful outcomes in marriage counseling depend on both partners entering with the intention of making improvements to the marriage. It is never too late to create positive changes and repair struggling relationships. Each day, month or year, you put off attending therapy, is another day lost in re-establishing a positive connection with your partner. Challenges in relationships are best addressed in the beginning, before additional wounds or resentments occur. Wherever you begin efforts for change, the probability of success in couples counseling is greater when both parties are fully committed.
2. Unwillingness to Compromise
What frequently brings couples into therapy is communication barriers, lack of intimacy, disagreements about parenting, or financial concerns. Couples report being in a standoff, and having circular arguments resulting in no solutions. After years or months of repetitive arguments, couples may begin to withdraw and become unwilling to compromise with their partners. Reluctance to compromise or the need to “win” presents a barrier that must be overcome before progress can occur. Living alone can be easy because it is always on your own terms: being in any relationship requires compromise.Suggestion:
If compromise is a challenge, you must become aware of its interference in healthy relationships. Learn to ask and listen to what your partner needs and feels. Practice enjoying the observation of your partner feeling heard and understood. Ask yourself, “do I need to be right or do I want to be happy?” Consider a new definition of winning: “I am winning when my relationships are thriving and when my partner and I both feel satisfied and happy in the success of our relationship.” The art of compromise can be learned if there is genuine interest in maintaining the relationship. If compromise creates a roadblock, or winning is a primary objective for you, individual therapy might be helpful before beginning work as a couple.
3. Lack of Trust in your Therapist or a Lack of Belief in Counseling
When selecting a therapist, a primary focus must be mutual positive regard and trust with the therapist. For couples, this sense of trust and safety must be experienced by both partners. If only one person participated in the selection process of a counselor, it may feel difficult to be invested. Consequently, if one person feels distrustful, the sessions can be sabotaged unknowingly before the therapist can even establish the areas of concern.When therapy is not valued in general, and not part of the belief system for either partner, it is important to discuss and research your resistance to therapy. Marital therapy is less impactful when one or both parties is skeptical about mental health.
Suggestion:
Take your time selecting a therapist you both choose and feel safe with. Discuss your feelings with your therapist in sessions if you do not feel supported. Marriage therapy is an excellent time to practice communication that is uncomfortable. A skilled therapist will utilize your openness as an opportunity for relational growth.
If skepticism about mental health is an obstacle, read about the benefits of mental health or make inquiries to trusted persons in your life about their experiences. It is also beneficial to discuss your concerns about treatment with therapists in consultations prior to therapy.
4. Commitment to Continuation of the Relationship by both partners
As mentioned above, both parties in a struggling relationship must be willing and ready to work on the marriage. If one partner has a foot out the door or is already considering another relationship, the therapy will not be successful. The level of commitment to continuation of a relationship can only be known by the two individuals in the relationship. If staying in the marriage is not the goal, marriage therapy may not be the right choice. This is a hard discussion, but it is imperative to setting realistic goals.Suggestion:
Commitment to continuation of a relationship is best discussed before entering counseling. It can be painful to be honest with yourself and your partner about your intentions regarding the relationship when you are not invested in remaining married. Individual therapy can assist in seeking clarity about your hesitation or finding the words to exit a relationship gracefully. Feelings of resistance due to significant resentments could be the obstacle or you may be looking for support in finding courage to make tough decisions about parting ways.
5. Believing Therapy is a Waste of Time or Money
Therapy is a commitment of time and money. Most of us would prefer to spend money on tangible or fun items. While finances are a concern for most couples, we generally find time and money for the things we value most. Unwillingness to budget for and research affordable marriage counseling options, may be an indicator that that the relationship is not prioritized.Suggestion:
Do the math with your partner prior to seeking therapy. A pro/con list with a pen and paper can help move you and your partner through financial resentments or concerns about the cost of therapy. The cost of a divorce, living in two homes and losing the benefits that come with being in a relationship are significant. For those who prefer to fix things themselves and resent paying for any service, research the cost of divorce. If divorce is on the horizon, research collaborative mediators. Not every marriage is meant to last; making educated, thoughtful choices when parting ways respectfully is in the best interest of everyone.
How to Select a Therapist We generally spend more time in choosing a new cell phone than in selecting a mental health therapist. Like cell phones or cellular plans, not all therapists are alike or offer the same services. When we are under stress or experiencing a personal or relational crisis, most of us are unable to think clearly about choices in mental health . Frequently, new patients call therapists without researching options. The importance of selecting the best therapist for you can influence the outcome of therapy. Research concludes that the relationship between the patient and therapist is the single most important factor in determining positive results in mental health. Consumer Reports published their findings which identified two critical factors : 1) the quality of the relationship with the therapist. 2) the length of time in treatment –a longer period in therapy, produced better results. Having a plan of action in selecting a therapist will save you time and money and increase the positive outcomes for therapy. Many therapists offer a free consultation on the telephone to assist in deciding whether the services they offer can meet your needs. Preparing for your search for a therapist: • Seek a list of referrals from trusted professionals such as a physician. • Plan to interview at least four or five therapists. • Make a list of questions to ask during interviews. • Write out three objectives you hope to achieve in therapy. • During the interview, notice your comfort level. Do you feel rapport? Does conversation come easily? Possible questions you might ask potential therapists: • Do you work with children, couples or adults? • What is your training and how long have you been a therapist? • Do you have experience in… (specific area)? • Wh at are your fees and the length of sessions? • How often do you recommend attending therapy? • What strategies do you use when working with patients? • How do you measure successful outcomes in treatment? Asking questions about therapy may feel uncomfortable, especially if you have not attended therapy before. While talking to several therapists or getting a referral may feel awkward, remember that you must feel comfortable to share about yourself with the therapist you select. When patients feel unable to speak openly, they are less likely to share personal details or emotions . Any therapist will be more effective when a patient is comfortable and does not feel judged. If your phone interviews lead you to a therapist with whom you do not feel comfortable, do not give up on finding treatment. Decide in advance that what you learn from each person will be valuable whether it is one meeting or many sessions. Never let one bad experience keep you from pursuing the services of another professional. Remember that you can choose who you work with and be active in the process of therapy. Stay informed and become an educated consumer when seeking the support of a therapist. A therapist's job is to assist you; your job is to be willing to receive guidance and make intentional efforts to create the changes you are seeking.
Holidays and family gatherings can be an opportunity to spend quality time with family, appreciate our blessings and celebrate life. Family get-togethers can also aggravate stress, anxiety and create conflict. While we may be grateful to have time with loved ones, we may experience feelings of grief, regret, or resentments from old wounds. Challenging relationships or personal circumstances, traveling, and financial concerns can also trigger emotions that make celebrations feel like negative obligations. To minimize distress, we can choose to control our thoughts and emotions about family engagements through simple actions. While emotions and thoughts are frequently instantaneous reactions to perceptions of a situation, it is a choice how long we allow ourselves to experience these challenging feelings. Next holiday season or family get-together, commit to practicing these strategies to create an atmosphere of connectedness and joy. 1. Be mindful of and in control of your emotions . Acknowledge your feelings but choose not to ruminate on negative emotions. Envision your mind as a radio station. If you find yourself focused on negative thoughts, change the station. Practice shifting your thoughts to positive memories or refocus your attention to something pleasant. Changing your thoughts can be as simple as changing a radio channel to a better station. 2. Be an observer. Be an observer in the room at family events. Observe communication, social interactions or family dynamics. By observing others from a bird's eye perspective, we place ourselves in a learning mode rather than a reactive role. Observing stressful environments helps us realize that we are not forced to feel or react in any preset manner. Shakespeare stated "All the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players with exits and entrances". Choose your role as an observer and enjoy being in the audience. 3. Learn to step away and breathe. Research proves that controlled breathing changes the physical and emotional state of the body. Take a moment to yourself and breathe deeply for five to ten minutes. Listen to relaxing music or close your eyes for a short period. Give your mind a moment to recharge so being present and relaxed is easier. 4. Focus on the positive. Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in negativity or other’s emotions and actions. Try observing what is good and joyful in the room. We are responsible for our own happiness. 5. Practice the art of forgiveness. Holding onto to past hurts negatively impacts us mentally and physically. Learn to forgive or accept others as they are. Acceptance of others allows us the freedom to be who we are. Resentments and anger contributes to poor health and denies us of the opportunity to experience joy. Forgiving others helps us forgive ourselves for our own imperfections. 6. Embrace generosity. The act of giving is a highly effective tool in changing our mood. Generosity is not primarily about monetary exchanges. Seek ways to be helpful and kind in your actions when at family gatherings. Offer to help with tasks or keeping an eye on the kids. It is possible you may find joy in the preparations or playing with the children. Ask others about their lives, be interested in sharing stories or offer to pick up a forgotten item to grab a quick break. Learn that small acts of kindness allow us to experience the joy of giving. 7. Be a teacher. "The life you live is the lesson you teach". Consider that you are modeling to others how to interact gracefully in social environments. Whether you have small children, or elderly parents, it is never too late to become the model citizen in the room. Remember, it’s not how you come in, it’s how you go out… Choosing actions that support positive, healthy thoughts around family gatherings, make us less likely to be reactive, use substances, or behave in manners we regret. 8. Choose to create new memories. Once we can step out of the past, we can free ourselves to have experiences that create memories of joy. Remember that others in the family may feel anxious as well and will benefit from improvements in family interactions. Be the change you want to see. There is never a wrong time to make better choices or commit to leading the pack in a positive direction. Today is a great day to learn to enjoy family in a different light.
In the last decade there has been a growing interest in what makes people happy. In addition to ample books on happiness, there are now happiness groups, seminars and even “Happiness Clinics” that individuals attend. While each book or clinic has a different spin on the pursuit of happiness, the research findings about what makes people happy are generally the same. This is what the happiest people say they do: 1. Surround Themselves with Positive, Encouraging People - “Ask me who I am and I’ll show you my friends.” If you are hanging out with cheerful, positive people, the odds are you will be more content. If you are surrounded by negativity, it is likely to rub off on you. Observe your social groups and listen to the messages your social network is conveying. Are the conversations upbeat and grateful or are the discussions full of judgement and resentments? 2. Practice Gratitude- There are good days and bad days, but happy people tend to focus on what they have rather than what they don’t have. Happy people find the good in mishaps, viewing them as opportunities for learning- turning lemons into lemonade. They know how to be present and in the moment. They tend to appreciate what is around them whether it is family, nature or just a good cup of coffee. Happy people appreciate what is good about their lives, even in tough times. 3. Focus on Health- Individuals who reported feeling most content focus on eating well, exercising regularly, and getting adequate rest. Overall, they prioritize taking good care of their physical, emotional and mental health. 4. Maintain strong family and community connections- While not everyone is able to live close to their relatives or has a perfect marriage, the happiest individuals still find ways to prioritize their relationships with friends, family, and in their community. They tend to stay connected to family and friends and consider spending time with loved ones a priority. 5. Focus less on accumulation of wealth or material goods- Surprisingly research indicates that happiness has little to do with economic status. Of course, living in poverty or bankruptcy is stressful: however, those with the most “goods” tend to be less happy than individuals living a more modest lifestyle. 6. Give back to the community- The happiest individuals report being active in volunteer work, helping others, and are invested in their community and youth. Helping others feels good, gets us out of our own lives, and enhances self-esteem. 7. Have a strong spiritual life- Having an active spiritual life is different than having religious affiliations. While many of the happiest persons report being active in religious organizations, what is more important to one’s happiness is having a spiritual connection to a power greater than oneself. Equally important is committing time daily toward meditation and/or prayer. 8. Practice Love and Tolerance- In general, the happiest people tend to be tolerant, less judgmental and tend to trust or have faith in others. They focus on what is positive and good about individuals rather than flaws or differences. Learning to love others, even those who have hurt us is a big step for many. Being released from anger or resentments in forgiveness is a powerful way to experience new sense of freedom. 9. Keep a positive outlook on life- They see the glass half full. They hope for and anticipate positive outcomes. Given what we know about the power of thoughts, the happiest people are more likely to experience positive outcomes they are predicting. 10. Remain Action Oriented and Solution Focused- It is not that happy people do not feel disappointed or sad, they just know how to pick themselves up and keep moving forward in a hopeful, constructive manner. They focus on solutions to problems and act on the solutions. They continue to pursue what brings happiness by accepting that life is full of joyous moments as well as disappointments. 11. Prioritize activities that bring joy- While most people have busy schedules: the happiest folks that make certain to schedule joyful activities in their daily routines. Whether it is running, gardening, yoga or coffee dates, they make time for what produces joy. 12. Choose simplicity- If you haven’t begun to declutter your environment or your mind to decrease stress, this is the time to do it. Research indicates that the happiest individuals live simpler, less complicated lives. Living simply, with less obligations or things to maintain leaves time to do the things you enjoy. Tips for Practicing Happiness Every Day Identify areas that contribute to your happiness. Pinpoint areas of joy that can be expanded. Commit to 30 days of changing routines or thoughts related to happiness. Record your progress and observations. Accept that changing our thoughts and actions requires time and effort. Stay committed in spite of road bumps. Remain hopeful, stay solution-focused and optimistic about your outcomes. Remember that our efforts do not provide instantaneous results: our cumulative daily efforts will lead to a more joyful and happy life. Today is a great day to practice happiness.M.Brauns
