Blog

My Articles

By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 21 Mar, 2021
Anxiety is often the underlying cause of physical symptoms mistaken for other health conditions. We frequently believe we have a serious medical condition long before we recognize we have anxiety, or even consider an anxiety disorder. It is not uncommon for clients, specifically adults, to deny having anxiety but readily admit to worrying constantly. A recent study from the National Institute of Mental Health revealed that nearly 70% of Americans suffer from at least one type of anxiety disorder. This report should be of no surprise: we live in a culture where chronic stress is an accepted part of daily life. At early ages, we are indoctrinated with suggestive messages that busy is healthy, we must perform faster, accomplish more, and demonstrate success by perfection-based ideology. Having been conditioned to believe that more is better, we frequently add too many things to our plates. We have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no. Many believe they thrive when busy and even express a sense of pride when discussing a relentless schedule. The inevitable outcome of a life packed full with every minute accounted for, is overwhelm, burnout, and chronic anxiety. In my experience, clients easily express a desire to feel less overwhelmed and have more leisure time. However, when asked to let go of unnecessary commitments, there is resistance. Inevitably, after living with chronic stress for long periods of time, the norm may be feeling anxious. A change that creates open time and space, can create a " time void " that is uncomfortable. In fact, letting go of anxiety or stressors can actually be anxiety- provoking. To combat chronic anxiety, clients must commit to reducing stress, as opposed to “managing stress”. Stress in life is unavoidable and it is true that some individuals have less stressful lives due to advantageous personal circumstances. Regardless, of our circumstances, it remains common to accept unmanageable workloads, entertain stressful relationships and continue adding activities to full schedules. For change to occur, we must let go of habits that leave us mentally and physically depleted. You can choose to fill the "time void" with self-care which may include rest. Americans have learned to accept chronic anxiety as a way of life, even knowing of the negative implications on our health and relationships. Health experts have concluded that chronic stress reduces our life span by an average of 6 years. The goal in my office is stress reduction. If your life feels overwhelming and unmanageable, you must make choices to change it. Trying to manage the unmanageable is a losing battle. Pay attention to how often you hear or use the term stress management. Identify activities you don't need to do such as attending a social function where you know few people or cleaning an already tidy house. Learn to put your health first by prioritizing time for rest and recharging. The elimination of unnecessary stressors and reduction of chronic anxiety will increase your lifespan and improve the quality of your life. The number of stressors you have is generally a choice. How you respond to stressful events is also a choice. Learn how to eliminate stress and reduce anxiety. You can respond to life in ways that create opportunities for living the life you want.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 20 Mar, 2021
Benefits of Journaling Journaling has regained popularity in recent years in mental health. It has once again become a tool for a variety of mental health conditions including anxiety, depression and reducing stress. Whether you are in therapy or on a path of self-discovery, writing your thoughts and experience is is valuable. Research has proven that strategic, committed journaling can actually change the way one thinks, feels and behaves. Studies reveal that individuals who commit to 30 days of writing daily in a gratitude journal, report significant improvement in their positive outlook on life. An additional benefit is that success in journaling is not impacted by financial circumstances, education, age, or writing skills. Journaling only requires a desire and commitment to the process. While there are technically no wrong or right ways to journal, there are strategies to help get you motivated to begin. Ask yourself about the value you see in journaling and if you can to commit to the process. Discuss lack of motivation or resistance with your therapist or someone who successfully journals. Try following general guidelines to help get you started or research journaling prompts. Tips for Journaling: Buy or find a journal you’d like to use. Keep it in a secure but accessible place. Commit to writing every day for 30 days. Keep going if you enjoy it! Set a consistent time aside each day for journaling. It doesn’t need to take 1 hour; start with a 5-minute commitment. Once you begin writing, keep your momentum going. Write anything that comes to mind… Write honestly. While journaling is a creative form of writing, in order to gain self-awareness, it is not intended to be fictional. Accept that journaling is not about using correct grammar or perfect writing skills. Allow yourself to be spontaneous. Be confident that no one is going to read your journal. (If you believe there are boundary issues in your home, learn how to set boundaries. Keep your journal at work or in a locker at school if you must.) If you feel blocked in writing, use prompts from journaling books or websites. Try gratitude journaling, or focus on journaling about something of interest to you. (i.e. parenting, relationships, childhood memories). Do not critique or judge your own writing. The key is honesty and spontaneity. Make sure you are not censoring your writing. Ask yourself if you are writing what you think should do or feel or if it is what you really feel, what really happened or what you wish happened? Look forward to the self-discovery in your writing. Even facing hard truths leads to a more peaceful way of living. Do not be stingy with yourself about journals if possible. Buy a cover you enjoy and replace journals frequently. When you are ready to start a new journal, do it. Some people ceremoniously burn or destroy journals when complete. Develop your own traditions with journaling. Have fun with it and enjoy the process. Just get started. The longer you journal, the sooner you will develop a routine and style that works for you. Allow yourself to discover your truth through journaling. It is an excellent tool in the process of self-awareness and change. Self-awareness can help you understand your emotions and behaviors and can create opportunities for change. Journaling is easy, inexpensive, and well worth the effort. Today is a great day to begin journaling.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 19 Mar, 2021
Relationships suffer with unresolved conflict. Even strong relationships become vulnerable when problems occur and no resolution is in sight. Unresolved conflict that becomes circular, hostile and resentful can chip away at the foundation of any relationship. Learning the art of apologizing and forgiveness is critical in relationships. We all have days when we are not our best self and we make mistakes or poor choices. "To error is to be human". When our words, decisions, or mistakes hurt others, intentionally or not, we must learn to apologize. Resolving conflict with grace brings us closer together: unresolved conflict can break down any relationship. Apologizing can be difficult; it is natural to feel justified in action or not want to accept responsibility for mistakes. Barriers to apologizing include disagreement about the problem, or the fear of admitting we are wrong. Feeling vulnerable when we apologize is common. It is most important to understand that we can increase intimacy and strengthen our relationships by learning to apologize. Apologizing can be this simple: 1) State with sincerity that you are sorry 2) Identify what you can do better 3) State your intention to respond differently in the future. 4) Be willing to listen to feedback without defending your actions. 5) Accept that forgiveness may take a little time. Forgiveness is Underrated While apologizing can be hard, forgiving others when we feel wronged can be even more difficult. Once you have received a sincere apology, it is a choice how to proceed. Forgive the offense or harbor resentment? Choose to trust the sincerity or make exit plans? Holding onto resentments or past events will eventually lead to the unraveling of relationships. Practice forgiving even when it is difficult. Forgiving can leave us feeling vulnerable: we are fearful that we may be hurt again. Learn the skills to apologize and the skills to forgive. Forgiveness of others is a true statement of love. In forgiveness we are saying, I love and value you even though we are both imperfect. When we forgive others, we are able to free ourselves of anger and negativity that hurts us. We are also able to reopen the door to communication and intimacy in our important relationships. “Forgiveness is the truest form of love. It takes a strong person to apologize and even a stronger person to forgive." Today is a great day to learn how to apologize and how to forgive.
By Margaret Denise Brauns | LMFT 18 Mar, 2021
How to Select a Therapist We generally spend more time in choosing a new cell phone than in selecting a mental health therapist. Like cell phones or cellular plans, not all therapists are alike or offer the same services. When we are under stress or experiencing a personal or relational crisis, most of us are unable to think clearly about choices in mental health . Frequently, new patients call therapists without researching options. The importance of selecting the best therapist for you can influence the outcome of therapy. Research concludes that the relationship between the patient and therapist is the single most important factor in determining positive results in mental health. Consumer Reports published their findings which identified two critical factors : 1) the quality of the relationship with the therapist. 2) the length of time in treatment –a longer period in therapy, produced better results. Having a plan of action in selecting a therapist will save you time and money and increase the positive outcomes for therapy. Many therapists offer a free consultation on the telephone to assist in deciding whether the services they offer can meet your needs. Preparing for your search for a therapist: • Seek a list of referrals from trusted professionals such as a physician. • Plan to interview at least four or five therapists. • Make a list of questions to ask during interviews. • Write out three objectives you hope to achieve in therapy. • During the interview, notice your comfort level. Do you feel rapport? Does conversation come easily? Possible questions you might ask potential therapists: • Do you work with children, couples or adults? • What is your training and how long have you been a therapist? • Do you have experience in… (specific area)? • Wh at are your fees and the length of sessions? • How often do you recommend attending therapy? • What strategies do you use when working with patients? • How do you measure successful outcomes in treatment? Asking questions about therapy may feel uncomfortable, especially if you have not attended therapy before. While talking to several therapists or getting a referral may feel awkward, remember that you must feel comfortable to share about yourself with the therapist you select. When patients feel unable to speak openly, they are less likely to share personal details or emotions . Any therapist will be more effective when a patient is comfortable and does not feel judged. If your phone interviews lead you to a therapist with whom you do not feel comfortable, do not give up on finding treatment. Decide in advance that what you learn from each person will be valuable whether it is one meeting or many sessions. Never let one bad experience keep you from pursuing the services of another professional. Remember that you can choose who you work with and be active in the process of therapy. Stay informed and become an educated consumer when seeking the support of a therapist. A therapist's job is to assist you; your job is to be willing to receive guidance and make intentional efforts to create the changes you are seeking.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 10 Mar, 2021
Perfectionism is linked to anxiety and physical health conditions. Striving for perfection can lead to procrastination, low self-esteem, loss of motivation and impact our relationships. Knowing perfectionism is bad for our health and relationships, why do we still strive for perfection? There is no easy or perfect answer… To begin, it is important to recognize that American culture and social media continue to play a role in the idealization of perfectionism. In general, educators measure success by accuracy more frequently than effort. Supervisors push for increased productivity rather than creativity. Teenagers still hope for acceptance by conforming to social trends rather than individuality. Even with the notion of individualism trending, conformity still remains a powerful force in our society. Perfectionism can originate from our individual personality and genetic make-up. We may also be impacted and develop traits from early parenting. Often, we praise children for “getting it right” rather than the effort that was made. Worse, children may be ignored or even shamed for “getting in wrong”. Perfectionists are frequently procrastinators, paralyzed to move forward without a perfect strategy or laid out plan of action. Unable to take risks or try new things, the perfectionist is not likely to achieve their full potential. Rather than seeing failed attempts as an opportunity for learning, perfectionists see failure as a time to quit or give up. Perfectionism is associated with chronic stress and anxiety, lack of motivation and confidence, and adversely affects physical health. Perfectionists have increased risk for mental and physical health complications: a recent study revealed that perfectionists increased their risk of death by 51%. The irony -countless research studies reveal that those who take risks and learn from mistakes are destined to learn more, retain more and perform better at all levels than the perfectionist! So, the perfectionist who is striving to be the best, with the highest standards for self, is the least likely to achieve the best results! Willingness to tolerate failed attempts, realistic expectations and redefining our view of success can increase our likelihood of achieving our potential. University driven experiments conducted with student participants focused on Learning, Memory and Cognition revealed interesting conclusions about how we learn. Research concluded that learning increases if conditions are designed for students to make errors. Students were ten percent more likely to remember information, or perform higher tests if conditions for testing were arranged to be more difficult on the first exam. On the contrary, students given optimal study conditions who performed well on the first exam, scored significantly lower on the second try. The old saying, “we learn the most from our mistakes” is not just a feel better statement. Learning to embrace the importance of failure or making mistakes is not an easy task. Try these tasks to get started: 1) Be aware of a tendency toward perfectionism. 2) Take a personal inventory on how perfectionism has impacted your life, health or choices. 3) Understand that anything learned can be unlearned: you have the power to retrain your thought patterns. 4) Practice taking risks in areas you are probable to make a mistake. 5) Embrace the gift of imperfection: success is achieved by experiencing failure. Learn to accept getting it wrong to get it right. Today is a great day to accept being Perfectly Imperfect.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS LMFT 09 Mar, 2021
Holidays and family gatherings can be an opportunity to spend quality time with family, appreciate our blessings and celebrate life. Family get-togethers can also aggravate stress, anxiety and create conflict. While we may be grateful to have time with loved ones, we may experience feelings of grief, regret, or resentments from old wounds. Challenging relationships or personal circumstances, traveling, and financial concerns can also trigger emotions that make celebrations feel like negative obligations. To minimize distress, we can choose to control our thoughts and emotions about family engagements through simple actions. While emotions and thoughts are frequently instantaneous reactions to perceptions of a situation, it is a choice how long we allow ourselves to experience these challenging feelings. Next holiday season or family get-together, commit to practicing these strategies to create an atmosphere of connectedness and joy. 1. Be mindful of and in control of your emotions . Acknowledge your feelings but choose not to ruminate on negative emotions. Envision your mind as a radio station. If you find yourself focused on negative thoughts, change the station. Practice shifting your thoughts to positive memories or refocus your attention to something pleasant. Changing your thoughts can be as simple as changing a radio channel to a better station. 2. Be an observer. Be an observer in the room at family events. Observe communication, social interactions or family dynamics. By observing others from a bird's eye perspective, we place ourselves in a learning mode rather than a reactive role. Observing stressful environments helps us realize that we are not forced to feel or react in any preset manner. Shakespeare stated "All the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players with exits and entrances". Choose your role as an observer and enjoy being in the audience. 3. Learn to step away and breathe. Research proves that controlled breathing changes the physical and emotional state of the body. Take a moment to yourself and breathe deeply for five to ten minutes. Listen to relaxing music or close your eyes for a short period. Give your mind a moment to recharge so being present and relaxed is easier. 4. Focus on the positive. Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in negativity or other’s emotions and actions. Try observing what is good and joyful in the room. We are responsible for our own happiness. 5. Practice the art of forgiveness. Holding onto to past hurts negatively impacts us mentally and physically. Learn to forgive or accept others as they are. Acceptance of others allows us the freedom to be who we are. Resentments and anger contributes to poor health and denies us of the opportunity to experience joy. Forgiving others helps us forgive ourselves for our own imperfections. 6. Embrace generosity. The act of giving is a highly effective tool in changing our mood. Generosity is not primarily about monetary exchanges. Seek ways to be helpful and kind in your actions when at family gatherings. Offer to help with tasks or keeping an eye on the kids. It is possible you may find joy in the preparations or playing with the children. Ask others about their lives, be interested in sharing stories or offer to pick up a forgotten item to grab a quick break. Learn that small acts of kindness allow us to experience the joy of giving. 7. Be a teacher. "The life you live is the lesson you teach". Consider that you are modeling to others how to interact gracefully in social environments. Whether you have small children, or elderly parents, it is never too late to become the model citizen in the room. Remember, it’s not how you come in, it’s how you go out… Choosing actions that support positive, healthy thoughts around family gatherings, make us less likely to be reactive, use substances, or behave in manners we regret. 8. Choose to create new memories. Once we can step out of the past, we can free ourselves to have experiences that create memories of joy. Remember that others in the family may feel anxious as well and will benefit from improvements in family interactions. Be the change you want to see. There is never a wrong time to make better choices or commit to leading the pack in a positive direction. Today is a great day to learn to enjoy family in a different light.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 26 Feb, 2021
Healthy boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. Boundaries are necessary to preserve our individual sense of self and self-esteem. People-pleasers will often agree to ideas and commitments they later regret, or experience feeling hurt and resentful. Stronger personalities may overstep boundaries in an effort to connect or be helpful. Others, may simply want to have things their own way, most of the time. “A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person; a clear place where you begin and the other person ends” When it comes to boundaries and relationships, whatever your personality or communication style is, it is important to understand that boundaries feel different to everyone. To maintain healthy relationships, you must prioritize setting and respecting the boundaries of others: it will determine the quality of your relationships. Understanding and Setting Boundaries: Key Points • Healthy boundaries are necessary to maintain long-lasting relationships. Setting healthy boundaries demonstrates a commitment to the relationship. • Know your boundaries and respect those of others . Healthy relationships require respecting other’s ideas, time and space. • Healthy boundaries include understanding and accepting what is your business and what is not. Issues, emotions and circumstances that are not your own are not your business generally: they are outside of your hula-hoop. Being unconditionally supportive or the persistent “need to help” others, can actually be detrimental; it interferes with the development of self-reliance. • Practice saying No: Do not commit or make agreements under pressure. When we put our needs aside, we create our own problems. A polite No, is more thoughtful than a resentful agreement. • Conversations about boundaries strengthen relationships . It is our responsibility to communicate our needs and feelings about emotional and physical needs. • Healthy boundaries are a two-way street . If you are outspoken, encourage others to make decisions and share their thoughts. If you agree with others more than you speak your truth, learn ways to build confidence about communicating your ideas and thoughts. Both parties in any relationship lose when one person is dominating or if the other maintains the need for “everyone to be happy”. • Share your knowledge about boundaries with others (you are whether you know it). Disclosing efforts at personal-growth encourages growth in others. If you are parents, your children are learning about boundaries from watching your interactions in relationships. Model what it looks like to set and respect boundaries. • Write out a vision of an ideal list for your personal boundaries . Share this list with important people in your life. Encourage others close to you to do the same. Today is a great day to establish healthy boundaries in relationships.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 25 Feb, 2021
Clinical depression, like any health condition, will manifest itself differently in every individual. Symptoms, duration, intensity and experience of a depressive episode is unique to each person. Appropriate and effective treatment for sufferers of depression will vary. It is normal to question or feel worried about how long we will be depressed. Many wonder "will I ever feel normal again". Other thoughts include, “I don’t feel like myself” or “I’m afraid I will never be myself again”. Depressive episodes and symptoms can be frightening. Symptoms may include fatigue, reduced motivation, detachment, lack of joy and hopelessness. These feelings exacerbate fears about our future and recovery. Many report feeling that a “dark cloud” is lingering or experience feeling detached from work and loved ones. Others feel unable to experience pleasure from activities that were previously enjoyable. Each of these aspects of depression can create a block to believing that life or one's emotional state will return to what we once knew. Further exacerbating worries about recovering from depression include a misconception that depression is a choice or a state of mind. While moods, or reactions to emotions can be manipulated by thoughts or controlled responses, clinical depression is a health condition that impacts individuals both physically and mentally. While mental health conditions do affect the mind and thinking process, this does not suggest that diagnosable mental health conditions are elected or influenced by one’s will power. Misconceptions about depression and other mental health conditions can exacerbate symptoms, leaving one feeling that if they were stronger or had more self-control, they would not be depressed. It is important to understand that clinical depression is a health condition: it can be as disabling as any other health condition, even life-threatening. Further, clinical depression is a physical health condition as much as it is a mental health condition. Physical symptoms of depression include fatigue, joint pain, loss of appetite or insomnia. Equally as real and disabling are the mental symptoms including deep sadness, irritability, disorganized thinking or hopelessness. Symptoms of clinical depression include the following: reduced interest in activities that are normally pleasurable insomnia or increased need for sleep lack of appetite or an increased need to eat, leading to either weight loss or gain restlessness, irritability, or lack of energy and fatigue trouble concentrating and attending to usual tasks poor self-image suicidal thoughts It is helpful to understand that recovering from depression is similar to recovering from any other health condition. Imagine that you are recovering from a knee surgery or pneumonia: would the expectation about work productivity or participating at home be the same? Could you accept a doctor's or therapist's response that recovery time will vary and agree not to rush back into stressful routines? With mental health conditions, we tend to judge ourselves for negative feelings or not coping better. Further confusing, loved ones often try to help with statements such as “cheer up” or “what do you have to be depressed about…? You have a good life”. While these statements may be intended to be helpful, they frequently have the opposite impact. Remarks such as these can reinforce that the depression is a choice or elected mood. Patience and simple supportive statements such as “I’m sorry you are feeling so badly,” or” let me know if there is anything I can do to help” are more helpful. The best path to recover from episodes of depression include medical and social support, rest, healthy diet, adequate sleep, and minimizing stress; when you are ready, slowly add activities back into your life. These recommendations are similar to many comprehensive suggestions for recovering from other health conditions such as the flu, surgery, or traumatic life events. Nearly every individual experiences at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime. Understanding and having empathy for yourself or others during times of vulnerability is essential to recovery. With ample information about depression and treatment available, seeking help from supportive family members and professionals can assist in the recovery process. With rest, treatment and support many patients committed to recovery find themselves feeling better in six weeks to three months. However, depending on your diagnosis, individual circumstances, and the type or severity of your depression, your recovery time will vary. If you or a family member is suffering from clinical depression, it is important that you seek medical help . You can expect a physician or mental health professional to be supportive and provide you with valuable information. While depression can be situational and improve independently of outside support, it is critical to seek help when there is interference with one's daily life, thought patterns, or functionality. Clinical depression can be life threatening. Untreated, depression can contribute to additional health conditions related to neglected self-care or substance abuse. Be proactive and persistent when seeking support for clinical depression. Rarely one regrets asking for help; delaying or not seeking needed mental health treatment is the regret. Today, accept the help you need with mental health conditions and allow yourself adequate time to recover.
By Margaret Denise Brauns, MS, LMFT 24 Feb, 2021
Most parents dread disciplining their children, especially teenagers. We want our children to be successful, happy and confident. Seeing our children unhappy or disappointed is hard for most parents. Being the source of a child’s disappointment, anger or sadness by enforcing consequences can be tough for anyone. Child specialists frequently observe that disciplining a child is more difficult on the parent than the child. Disciplining teenagers adds a complex new dimension to the task of parenting. Adolescents are transitioning into adulthood and exploring their own values, independent ideas, and social lives. While we need to encourage the development of a teen's unique talents and individuality, we must also present guidelines to continue to safeguard their well-being. Reasonable, clear rules and expectations must be established by parents to encourage safety, healthy social engagements, and good decision-making. It is developmentally appropriate and entirely normal for teens to pursue independence and they desire separation from their parents. The transition into adulthood involves pushing limits, challenging the rules and even thrill-seeking behavior. Choices made by teens can lead to heated conflicts between parents and children; especially when a consequence must be enforced. Below are tips that can support parents when disciplining a teenager. 1) Accept that discipline is part of your job description as a parent. Discipline is your role and responsibility. It is not your spouses, the teachers or an older sibling’s duty. Whether you are single or married, disciplining your child is frequently uncomfortable and even painful. 2) Following through on a consequence generally results in removing a privilege . Facing consequences is an essential part of learning about real life. When social, legal, or family rules are broken, there are consequences for each of us. Not enforcing consequences can lead to unrealistic life expectations and set your child up for social, academic or occupational failure as an adult. 3) Clarify Expectations: Define Privileges, Rules and Consequences Parents must clearly define and discuss their expectations early in a child's life. Parents are encouraged to sit down and write out a teenager's privileges, rules, and consequences on paper-place it on the refrigerator. Teen surveys reveal that a major frustration is not knowing what the rules are or what their parents expect from them. Expectations and rules are best put in writing: review and sign the list with your teen as a proactive step in preventing arguments about discipline. Signing the list together also keeps both parents and children accountable: when rules are broken, the guideline can be used as a reference. Adding a consequence for argumentative or rude comments made about the consequences will encourage teens to accept consequences more gracefully. 4) Explain what a privilege is and the consequences that are related to each privilege. In a youth driven society, privileges can easily be seen as expectations. Privileges include using a cell phone, watching television, going to the movies, or making plans with friends. Examples of rules and expectations might include speaking respectfully, participating in housework, and doing homework. Consequences can include losing phone privileges or limiting social activities. Be clear about what consequence will occur if a rule is broken. 5) Keep consequences short and simple. Consequences that are too lengthy in time or excessively harsh sets up discipline for failure. Half or full day consequences tend to be more effective than a week or month. Major offenses might include the weekend or more than one lost privilege. Emotional teens imagining a week or month sets everyone up for additional conflict and acting out. Consequences that are too lengthy in time leave teenagers with little motivation to cooperate or remain respectful during the punishment. Short time intervals for consequences allows teenagers the opportunity to demonstrate positive and cooperative behavior. 6) Have a sense of humor when disciplining. Laugh a little and try humor when talking to your teen about consequences. Laughing at ourselves or circumstances can break tension or animosity. Humor can ease the difficulty in executing a consequence. Share a funny story of a consequence you had as a teen. 7) Wait to discipline until emotions and the situation is diffused. Scolding or demeaning words when disciplining will be met with resentment. While teens are good at acting aloof or respond nonchalantly, remember that they are at a vulnerable age and insecure state of development. Remain calm and firm when disciplining. The result will be less push-back and less regret as a parent about harsh words spoken. Speak about the behavior, not your teenagers character. Your child still needs your reassurance that they are loved regardless of mistakes or being imperfect. Healthy disciplinary strategies can bring you closer to your child. 8) Keep your teenager’s business private. Do not talk negatively about a teenager in front of the teen or to persons who will share what was discussed. No one likes being talked about, especially during challenging moments. Seek support selectively when you are certain your child is not around and that the information will be kept private. Sharing with your child's siblings, family friends or talking within listening distance will push your teen further away. Adolescence is a time when acceptance and the need to fit in is magnified. Bringing more attention to your teen, especially when things go wrong can lead to deep barriers in communication. 9) Be a parent, not a friend. It can feel devastating to lose a once close connection you had when your child reaches adolescence. Parents can expect to feel shut out of a teen’s life for a short period of time. Do not allow this distance to impact good decisions about discipline. Your child will outgrow the highly emotional stage of adolescence. Keeping your child safe is a primary responsibility as a parent throughout adolescence: this often involves uncomfortable moments during discipline. Thank you’s for tough love will come later in life. No one thanks their parents for trying to be their friend as a teenager. 10) Be a good role model. The most ineffective parenting style is having high expectations of a child while the parent does not model the behavior they want from their children. The life you live is the lesson you teach. A parent who swears at family members can expect their teenager to swear. Parents that do not keep their word can expect their teen to do the same. Teen behaviors often reflect a behavior you don’t like about yourself. Make appropriate changes to your own behavior as necessary and admit to your own character defects. Acknowledging our imperfections and apologizing gracefully models humility and valuing self-improvement. Post Disciplinary Activity: Expect that your teen may be angry, lash out or avoid you after receiving a consequence. Following incidents of discipline, allow your teenager to have time for self- reflection and to talk it over when they are ready. Encourage them to discuss what is comfortable and be a supportive listener. Practice listening and asking questions without judgement or stating your opinion. Teens need safe places to speak openly: create an environment that will keep the communication lines open. Stay hopeful and engaged in your relationship with your teenager in spite of how hard it can feel. Adolescence is a developmental stage in your child’s life. While the teen years can feel relentless and exhausting, remember, "this too shall pass”. Your teenager is developing their sense of self, confidence, and learning about independent decision making. Remain supportive and have empathy for your teen in the vulnerable years of adolescence. Children need consistent love and support no matter what age they are. Tough love is called tough love for a reason. Tough love is hard, discipline is hard.
Show More

Let's Talk

The first step in therapy is talking. Let's find a time where we can meet and talk about what's on your mind.
Book a consultation
Share by: